Smoking Tree - The Blog

Triple J Listeners Shock No One

2009-01-26T19:27:00.001-08:00

So Triple J's Hot 100 is out again for another year. What did the all knowing uber-hip crowd of posers and greens voters hit up this year as the number 1 song?

Kings Of Leon - Sex On Fire

Oh Triple J Listeners... you really do plan to just be completely unsurprisingly year in year out don't you?

Man, if only Powderfinger or Wolfmother had released another album you would have had the Top Ten sewn up right there.

MGMT at #2, #5 and The Presets at #6 and #8.

Let the shit dance music revolution continue!

Empire Of The Sun? You guys named yourself after a shitty Spielberg film?

You know who my favorite electronic music duo is? Always. Closely followed by Minority Report. They rock the rad beats.

#9 The Ting Tings - That's Not My Name.

The Ting Tings? MGMT? The Presets?

Way to make this list completely unlistenable two years from now.

#13 The Herd - The King Is Dead...

Is that song about John Howard? Because if it is here's the heads up: you're the only guys who care.

Seriously if the Herd harped on about how much they hate John Howard anymore we'd think they had a grade school crush on the guy.

#14 & #15 - The Rapture & Cut Copy?

What happened did only homosexual 22 year olds vote this year?

MGMT's Time To Pretend only clocked in at #18?

What. The. Fuck. Not only one of the best songs of the year, but also the only good song MGMT will ever release, but it's too mainstream for the fucking Triple J crowd, they've got to give the top MGMT honours to Kids. Or fucking Electric Feel. "We can't conform too much with mainstream society that's when we'd find out exactly how irrelevant we are."

#23 The Living End - White Noise.

The Living End could record themselves shitting into a bucket and they'd make this list...

Update: That's exactly what White Noise is.

#27 Josh Pyke

#28 Archetecture In Helsinki

Really? Wow. You guys are really batting outside your comfort zone this year huh? ... what happened to Cog?

#31 Cog

It's almost as if Triple J have heard of good music by putting Vampire Weekend on the list, but they can't quite figure out how to vote for anything that isn't 'dance'something or 'electronic'whatevers.

It's a good thing you voted for Nick Cave, cause if there's one thing we need it's that unburied corpse wandering aimlessly across the Aria stage for another fucking year complaining about how some band he used to play with that nobody gives a shit about wasn't listed on the award either.

DUDE THE ARIA HALL OF FAME IS JUST FILLER! NOBODY ACTUALLY RELEVANT ON THE LIST. IF THE ARIAS HAD IT THEIR WAY IT WOULD BE POWDERFINGER EVERY SINGLE YEAR.

"This year entering the Hall Of Fame is Powderfinger for their single Sunsets."

There's good music on the list (and by good music I mean music I like) like Death Cab For Cutie, Cold War Kids and Lily Allen.

But then there's also Something For Numbers.

Something For Numbers is still around?

I swear to god they got lost in a time portal where they're stuck at the Big Day Out in 1999 playing on Stage 2 right before 28 Days.

Proof Triple J listeners don't know what they're talking about.

#65 Fleet Foxes - White Winter Hymnal

Have a listen to White Winter Hymnal and then try and justify it coming in below Faker.

The Grates are on the list like 3 times. I like the Grates, which is to say I hate all of the Grates singles, but there's some good songs on their albums if you can get past all the screeching grrrl bullshit.

The 100 rounds out with such totally non poser choices of:

Sigur Ros and Dizzee Rascal...

But also Gyroscope & Metallica... so maybe all Triple J listeners are 14 year old boys trapped in 1996 after all.

YouTube is shit.

2009-01-18T00:32:00.000-08:00

So I have a few videos up on YouTube, and yeah they infringe on copyright because I include snippets from various songs owned by other people, so of course that leads to me getting an email from YouTube saying that my video McRubbish may have content that is owned or licensed by WMG.

It goes on:

No action is required on your part.

No action is required except that it still means your entire video now has no audio. At all. That's all well and good for people posting complete songs on the 'tube, but mine was part of a song appearing part way through a movie made by me.

So all the audio is gone. Not just C'Mon C'Mon by the Von Bondies. So apparently WMG don't want their audio messed with, but my audio - the audio that didn't have anything to do with WMG at all - they can mess with that.

YouTube allow you to swap out the music with a song from their library of available music. That's sweet, but it swaps out ALL OF THE AUDIO OF THE VIDEO. So that's awesome if I wanted to replace everything I said with SOME COUNTRY SONG NOBODY HAS EVER HEARD OF, but otherwise I'm stuck with no audio.

I ended up giving up and just deleting the video altogether, which is what they want of course, and fair enough they blank the audio that belongs to them - but the audio that belongs to me they could have left that well alone.

But what can you do? They're WMG and YouTube and I'm well, me.

Part C - Creative Writing

2009-01-13T18:27:00.000-08:00

Having read a few of the stories I wrote when I was in year 9 people have brought to me several conclusions.

Either I was a) retarded, b) really lazy, or c) really lazy and retarded.

Otherwise they can't understand how a fourteen year old with an addiction to verbs didn't understand how to construct a story which didn't involve police officers, and the brutal death of a main character.

Yes, well, I'm here to address that with my Creative Writing Test. In Year 9, there were three parts to the English exam. Part C was creative writing. They gave us a selection of 6 "options" we could write about. They ranged from sentences, or pictures, or the first line of a story, etc.

They were:

1) 'That's it! The wedding's off!'

2) [A picture of a crazy looking man being dragged down a hall by two men in sunglasses and suits.]

3) 'The night Joe Stewart died I was walking alone through the streets of Daytonville'

4) "It may not be as long as we think", replied X. "At any moment Lox could beam us and tell us to come home."

5) [A BC comic... for some reason... with the line:] "The trouble with people today is they don't listen to other people." [ALWAYS HILARIOUS BC. ALWAYS. HILARIOUS.]

6) Several centuries ago, in a country whose name doesn't matter, there was a tall, skinny, straggly-bearded old wizard named Prospero.

Now, with my love of murder you'd think I'd pick the Joe Stewart dying scenario, or my love of police men might lead me to the crazy guy being dragged away by the feds, or I might even use the crazy old wizard and make him murder police officers.

So that's obviously why I chose '1) That's it! The wedding's off!'

...

What follows is the complete story, after the story I will go line by line and make fun of myself.

"That's it! The wedding's off!" The bride cried as she ran from the alter, down the aisle, past the crowds of people watching the couple wed. She burst out the church doors. The groom turned and chased her out of the building, all the time screaming "I didn't mean it."

Disaster had struck a few moments earlier when the priest had said "Do you Doris take Joe to be your husband." The groom went into shock and said "Your names not Doris, it's Sara. Isn't it?" Sara was the name of Joe's beautiful young secretary.

Doris went all red and slapped Joe across the face. Joe was again shocked and when he looked towards the crowd he had a red hand print plastered across his face. The mother of the bride, who was a short chubby women, had fainted when she heard Joe say Sara's name.

He poor husband had to catch her. The sudden burden made him stubble back and topple over the chairs and fall into the row of relatives behind. When Joe asked was Doris's name Sara, the bridesmaids giggled. When they saw Doris hit Joe they stopped giggling and started to blush with embarass ment.

As Joe ran out of the building, the tall well built man, who was the best man followed at a good pace. The mother of the groom was just as shocked as the mother of the bride and also fainted. She was a tall thin woman and toppled over onto the ground. Her husband was not there to catch her, for he had run after the best man. The father of the groom knew something that nobody else knew. He knew that Doris has been seeing the best man. He had seen them kissing outside the church that very day.

The crowd watched in shock as the bride ran out of the building, occasionally stumbling on her long white wedding dress, followed by a groom with a hand print on his face, who was being chased by a well built best man, followed by a tall thin father of the groom. To top things all off Aut Yettel had a heart attack right there in the church.

A month later Doris married Frank, the best man. They had a wonderful outdoor wedding. Around the same time Aunt Yettel's funeral was held. The week before Doris & Frank wed Joe & Sara also had a wonderful wedding. After they left the church during Doris & Joe's wedding Joe's fathter gave Frank a black eye.

Frank retaliated by breaking his nose and sending him to hospital. Joe's father recently recovered & decided not to press charges. Doris' father got miner bruising from falling over the chairs & his wife was perfectly fine, as his the mother of the groom.

15/20

Yeah, that's right. I got 15 out of 20 for that assignment - TAKE THAT ENGLISH LANGUAGE PETER JONES WINS AGAIN!

Now, let's take a deeper look at the story that if it had title would probably be called 'The Wedding'.

"That's it! The wedding's off!" The bride cried as she ran from the alter,

Holy crap. She's calling the wedding off whilst the wedding is taking place. Man, she just ran from the alter.

down the aisle,

Oh, and down the aisle...

past the crowds of people watching the couple wed.

Oh, and past the crowds of people watching... It aint exactly "It was the best of times, it was the worst of times." But it's up there in the best opening line competition.

She burst out the church doors. The groom turned and chased her out of the building, all the time screaming "I didn't mean it."

He chased her from the alter... down the aisle... past the crowds of people watching the couple wed...

Disaster had struck a few moments earlier

WHEN A HURRICANE HIT?!?

when the priest had said "Do you Doris take Joe to be your husband."

Doris? Joe? Wow, so it was an old people wedding? I see Joe recovered from the time a bear killed all his camping buddies. He grew up and married an elderly woman named Doris.

The groom went into shock and

Lay on the ground?? Lay on the ground??

said "Your names not Doris, it's Sara. Isn't it?"

Wow. Just like on Friends... only you know, more weird. "Do you take Doris?" "That's not Doris. That's Sara. DURR I'm retarded."

Sara was the name of Joe's beautiful young secretary.

Of course it was. Man, this story is already steeped in such realism it can only take a turn for the EVEN MORE REALISM.

Doris went all red and slapped Joe across the face. Joe was again shocked

Joe spends his life being shocked, or chased by bears, or dashing at trees...

and when he looked towards the crowd he had a red hand print plastered across his face.

JUST LIKE IN CARTOONS

The mother of the bride, who was a short chubby women, had fainted when she heard Joe say Sara's name.

I'm sure I meant 'woman' rather than 'women', but who knows maybe the father of the bride was Bill Paxton from Big Love.

She was fainting all the time though whenever she heard people say the wrong name. "And the winner of the best supporting actress oscar goes to... Maris Tomei."

CHUBBY SHORT WOMAN FAINTS.

He poor husband had to catch her.

They say 'write what you know'. Or in the case of this story 'write what you think would happen in a really bad sitcom'.

The sudden burden made him stubble back

THERE IT IS AGAIN! Not only do I love the word STUMBLE having used it in the three of the last four stories I've written but I love spelling it incorrectly. WHY DID NOBODY CORRECT ME EVER?!

and topple over the chairs and fall into the row of relatives behind.

There are hijinks galore in this little tale.

When Joe asked was Doris's name Sara, the bridesmaids giggled.

Yeah, cause that's what bridesmaids do. They giggle at shit. Bridesmaids are the real life equivilant of 'hehe'.

When they saw Doris hit Joe they stopped giggling and started to blush with embarass ment.

I don't know why I thought embarass and ment were two words, but I also believed that grown women would giggle when the fiance of their best friend said the wrong name at her wedding.

As Joe ran out of the building, the tall well built man, who was the best man followed at a good pace.

Well of course it was a good pace, he's a tall well built man. A tall well built man wouldn't follow at a slow pace. He'd follow at a good pace.

The mother of the groom was just as shocked as the mother of the bride and also fainted.

It's not that shocking. It's kind of 'oh shit, you idiot' bad. But it's not "OH MY GOD I HAVE FAINTED" bad.

She was a tall thin woman and toppled over onto the ground. Her husband was not there to catch her, for he had run after the best man.

Okay, so that's pretty funny.

The father of the groom knew something that nobody else knew.

That the mother of the bride must be at least 112 to have a daughter named Doris?

He knew that Doris has been seeing the best man. He had seen them kissing outside the church that very day.

Outside the church? Real subtle guys. I'm surprised the father of the groom was the only one to see you MAKING OUT... OUTSIDE THE CHURCH... EARLIER IN THE DAY. So the Bride, who was probably off somewhere getting ready to arrive by car with her bridesmaids managed to get away for a little while to meet the best man outside the church for some pashing? And who else happened to be there - father of the groom, who wanted his son to marry a lady who was cheating on her. Geniuses. All of them.

The crowd watched in shock as the bride ran out of the building, occasionally stumbling

I SPELT IT RIGHT!!!!!!

on her long white wedding dress, followed by a groom with a hand print on his face, who was being chased by a well built best man, followed by a tall thin father of the groom. To top things all off Aut Yettel had a heart attack right there in the church.

Aunt Yettel? Yettel? Oi ve.

A month later Doris married Frank, the best man.

What happened when they ran outside? Did everybody come to a compromise? "Hey, look, I said Sara, you pashed my best man who's name happens to be Frank cause he's 62, why don't you two get married, you're about the same age."

They had a wonderful outdoor wedding.

Yeah, I bet it was delightful. I wonder if anybody stubbled over anything.

Around the same time Aunt Yettel's funeral was held.

Obviously it was Joe's Aunt Yettel, or else Doris was being very fair - having a wedding around the time they bury her Aunt.

Also, it took a month for Yettel to get buried? What were they doing with her? Prancing around with her Weekend At Bernies style?

Also, a character died for no reason. I knew this was a story of mine.

The week before Doris & Frank wed Joe & Sara also had a wonderful wedding.

So Joe & Sara get married before they even bury Aunt Yettel? Maybe Yettel didn't die from the heart attack and was just hanging around the hospital for a couple of weeks before the proverbial bucket was proverbially kicked.

After they left the church during Doris & Joe's wedding Joe's fathter gave Frank a black eye.

What? Is this a flashback? Is this an afterthought? Is this me going 'oh you know what would have been good if the unnamed father of the groom had black eyed Franks face, let's just add that in there now.'

Frank retaliated by breaking his nose and sending him to hospital.

That's how Frank rolls. Cause you see, he's a tall well built gentleman.

Joe's father recently recovered & decided not to press charges.

He's only recently recovered?? And he doesn't want to press charges?? I'm surprised he's not being buried alongside Aunt Yettel.

Doris' father got miner bruising from falling over the chairs & his wife was perfectly fine, as his the mother of the groom.

Well, that's one way to end the story... another way would be to include some sort of ending, rather than just random notes about how the mother of the groom turned out A-ok.

And that's the story of how I did better than everybody else in my year 9 class, because let's face it - they were extra retarded, and my teacher was extralient on me because of her love of scenes involving old ladies named Yettel having heart attacks.

The Camping Trip

2009-01-12T17:09:00.000-08:00

Continuing the tradition of me writing about myself, I present probably my finest story effort of year 9:
The Camping Trip (no date given)

Yeah, I was all up on titles. An Alien Encounter, The Dark Alley and now The Camping Trip. Wow, I wonder what those stories are about!?

First I'll post the story itself in case you want to read it uninterrupted and then I'll post the story interrupted with my thoughts on what's going on.

It was dark for an afternoon but the five boys were still going to find somewhere to camp. Joe was getting worried & wanted to stop but Barry insisted that they should keep going. It was almost pitch black when the came to the clearing. Barry told William & John to set up the tents when he & Frank went to look for firewood. Joe decided to help William & John. 30 mins later Barry came running back into the campsite screaming "It got Frank. It got Frank."

"What did Barry?" John asked. "What got Frank?"

"A BEAR!" When Barry said this a huge roar came from the bushes & a huge BEAR came out & attacked the camp. William stubbled backwards of a log & fell to the ground. John stood shocked in the middle of the campsite while Joe made a dash for the nearest tree. The Bear turned its head & went charging for Barry. Barry screamed but there was nothing he could do. The Bear attacked him & tore him apart while John screamed & ran towards the bushes the Bear came out of.

William layed on the ground shocked. Joe climbed the tree & hid himself. John searched in the bushes for a rock. He found one & *crossed out* [pegged] threw it at the bears head. The bear flinced & turned to face John. John gulped & bolted into the bushes, the Bear followed. William stood up & heard a blood curdling scream & growling. Joe was shocked & couldn't move from the tree he was in. William just ran back out of the forest & to the police station without stopping. Half an hour later, the police arrived with William & hunted for the bear. One of the police men helped Joe out of the tree. Joe walked with the policeman to his car. When he got to the car he heard gun shots & an animals scream. Joe was relieved but still was frightened as he got in the car. THE END

I like how it was called The Camping Trip and no actual camping took place.

It was dark for an afternoon but the five boys were still going to find somewhere to camp.

THE five boys. THE five boys. Like we already know who THE five boys are.

Joe was getting worried & wanted to stop but Barry insisted that they should keep going.

Joe? Barry? Well, it's a step up from George Michaels, but still there's a LOOONG way to go before I figure out how to name a character, you know, a real person's name.

It was almost pitch black when the came to the clearing.

Almost pitch black? Wow, that is one freaking dark afternoon.

Barry told William & John to set up the tents when he & Frank went to look for firewood.

Barry? William? John? Frank? Joe? WOW! JUST LIKE REAL KIDS NAMES!

Joe decided to help William & John.

Oh, is William & John one person?

30 mins later

30 mins. Look at me cutting corners while writing by hand. TXTMSGS ARE THE FUTURE.

Barry came running back into the campsite screaming "It got Frank. It got Frank."

Holy crap! DIALOGUE. Who would have thought that my first use of dialogue in these stories would be the memorable line "It got Frank. It got Frank."

"What did Barry?" John asked. "What got Frank?"

Nice questioning John, that'll get you the answers you're looking for!

"A BEAR!" When Barry said

Barry 'said'. Cause it read like he SCREAMED.

this a huge roar came from the bushes & a huge BEAR came out

I don't know why BEAR is capitalized like that, maybe it was a really big bear, or a bear that was yelling.

& attacked the camp.

Holy crap. The bear just comes in and BAM! BEAR ATTACKS CAMP!

William stubbled backwards of a log & fell to the ground.

Somebody should have circled the word 'stubbled' (cause I made the same error in An Alien Encounter) and written in red pen that I mean 'stuMbled' and not 'stubbled' as if William hadn't shaved for a couple of days.

John stood shocked in the middle of the campsite while Joe made a dash for the nearest tree.

I don't know which is stupider, John's plan of standing shocked, or Joe's plan of dashing at trees.

The Bear turned its head & went charging for Barry.

Why not John? He was standing shocked. Easy target. Joe got away because Bears can't stand tree dashing.

Barry screamed but there was nothing he could do.

... except scream.

The Bear attacked him & tore him apart

HOLY SHIT!

while John screamed & ran towards the bushes the Bear came out of.

John has no idea how to defeat a bear. First standing shocked. Now screaming and running at bushes. Everybody knows you should dash at trees.

William layed on the ground shocked.

Haha. I can just picture this kid lying down on the ground in shock. Like there's a bear attack. Barry has been torn to pieces, and William just has a bit of a lie down.

Joe climbed the tree & hid himself.

That took him a while. He dashed ages ago. It took him the time of BARRY BEING TORN APART for him to climb a tree.

John searched in the bushes for a rock.

John's a real freaking moron isn't he. Defeat a bear that can tear children apart with a rock? Yeah, great plan.

He found one & *crossed out* [pegged] threw it at the bears head.

This is probably my favorite crossed out word in any story I've ever written. You need further proof that I was fourteen when I wrote this story: I thought 'pegged' would be an appropriate replacement for 'threw'. I'm surprised nothing was chucked at some point.

The bear flinced & turned to face John.

TWO FOR FLINCHING.

John gulped & bolted into the bushes

Bolting into bushes? You're supposed to DASH AT TREES!

, the Bear followed.

Oh shit. DEAD CHILD ALERT COMING UP.

William stood up & heard

Everybody is doing a lot of & stuff. "John gulped & bolted." "The bear turned & faced." "William stood up & heard."

a blood curdling scream & growling.

"scream & growling." Probably the greatest combo word ever written.

Joe was shocked & couldn't move from the tree he was in.

Well, at least he didn't just lie down WILLIAM.

William just ran back out of the forest & to the police station without stopping.

There's the police we were waiting for! Main character = dead. Police = on their way. This = a Peter Jones story.

Half an hour later, the police arrived with William & hunted for the bear.

Yeah, cause that's what the cops do. Go bear hunting.

One of the police men helped Joe out of the tree.

If only William was still in shock, one of the police men could have helped him off the ground.

Joe walked with the policeman to his car. When he got to the car he heard gun shots & an animals scream.

Haha. Picture a bear screaming. Funniest thing ever.

Joe was relieved but still was frightened as he got in the car.

Wow. It got Frank. Barry was torn apart. John go to scream while being growled at. William went hunting. And Joe got in a car, whilst still being frightened. Yeah, way to be brave Joe, be scared once safely in a car. BARRY'S DEAD.

THE END

Well, for everybody but William & Joe anyway.

The Dark Alley

2009-01-12T13:26:00.000-08:00

So continuing my ongoing exploration of my 'early works'. Here's a story I wrote in Year 9 entitled:

The Dark Alley 18.2.98

First the story, and then I'll do some HIGH-LARIOUS analysis.

One day George Michaels was walking home from his work in the city & decided to take a short cut through an alley between the grocers & an apartment building. George hadn't ever taken the chort cut before & he was seeing if it was quicker through the alley. He started walking down the alley when he saw a small kitten crawling between to trash cans. He walked over to it. He was about to pick it up when someone grabbed him from behind & thre him into a bag of rubbish on the other side of the alley. George opened his eyes & got up. He ran towards the man and hit him in the stomach. The man gasped and stepped backwards.

George saw the man grab something from his back pocket. All George could see was a glint of light off whatever it was in the mans hand. George guessed it was a knife & sprinted for the opposite end of the Alley. He ran down to the end of alley. Unfortunately for George it came to a dead end.

Looking for a way out he saw a length of pipe which he picked up to use as a weapon. When the man who was attacking appeared from the shadows there were two other men with him also carrying knifes. George swung the pipe wildly trying to hit something. The men weren't worried and ran at him, eyes gleaming. George didn't stand a chance but tried anyway.

Three days later 2 boys taking the short cut to the grocers jumped over the wall at the dead end of the alley & landed next to a body lying on the ground. The boys were scared so they jumped back over the wall and ran to call the police.

THE END

The best part was when it had four paragraphs.

One day George Michaels

George Michaels? Really? And it's called The Dark Alley, exactly what kind of story is this??

was walking home from his work in the city

'his work' in 'the city', wow it just drips of authenticity.

& decided to take a short cut through an alley between the grocers & an apartment building.

A grocers and an apartment building, just like I'd seen on television programs I'd watched, and not like I'd witnessed in real life, because what do I know about things.

George hadn't ever taken the short cut before & he was seeing if it was quicker through the alley.

"Hi, I'm George. I live in the city. I also work in the city at some unknown job. I am also really stupid as to just wander down alleys looking for short cuts. Apparently I haven't lived or worked in this city very long."

He started walking down the alley when he saw a small kitten crawling between to trash cans.

Oh I bet this becomes a sweet Disney film about a lovable kitten and a homosexual pop singer.

He walked over to it. He was about to pick it up when someone grabbed him from behind

AND SUNG HIM A SONG?!?

& thru him into a bag of rubbish

OH NO!! IT'S TAKEN A TURN!!

on the other side of the alley.

So there's some goon just hanging around in an alley waiting for somebody to be weird enough to pick up a stray kitten. And then when he does arrive the goon doesn't push him to the ground or anything, he grabs him and throws him to THE OTHER SIDE OF THE ALLEY and into a trash bag.

George opened his eyes & got up.

He suddenly realized he was on THE OTHER SIDE... of the alley.

He ran towards the man and hit him in the stomach.

Now George, if only you'd run towards the man and hit him in the face, or if you'd run away from the man and hit him with the dust of you running away from him.

The man gasped and stepped backwards.

He gasped? As in "OH MY! How could you hit me in the stomach like that?!"

George saw the man grab something from his back pocket.

His back pocket? Maybe it's his wallet? The man was probably grabbing his wallet.

All George could see was a glint of light off whatever it was in the mans hand.

Well... wallets don't glint.

George guessed it was a knife & sprinted for the opposite end of the Alley.

"Um, is it a lighter? No. Is it a comb? No? Not a shiny metal comb? No. I guess it's a knife then!"

He ran down to the end of alley. Unfortunately for George it came to a dead end.

Silly George, not running to the safety of the grocers...

Looking for a way out he saw a length of pipe

Well, he's not very good at this 'looking for a way out' business if when looking for exits he finds piping.

which he picked up to use as a weapon.

But George! You're looking for exits! LOOK! LOOK AT THE END OF THE ALLEY WHERE THERE'S A REALLY BIG OPENING AND IT GOES OUT ONTO THE MAIN ROAD! LOOK IN THAT DIRECTION!

When the man who was attacking

And he shall forever be known as The Man... Who Was Attacking.

appeared from the shadows there were two other men with him also carrying knifes.

Where were these guy's hiding? How dark were the shadows in this alley that George managed to enter, spot a kitten and not notice the three guys hanging around with gleaming knives.

George swung the pipe wildly trying to hit something.

Maybe if he'd swung the pipe more accurately and at somebody's head he would have been more successful.

The men weren't worried

Isn't that a massive burn on George? "I'm going to kill you with this pipe to the head!" "We're not worried."

and ran at him, eyes gleaming.

Are their eyes made of knife?

George didn't stand a chance but tried anyway.

You know you're in trouble when the narrator gives up on you.

Three days later 2 boys taking the short cut to the grocers

Yeah, cause that's what kids do all day - take short cuts to the grocery store. "Oh boy, we could pick up milk!"

jumped over the wall at the dead end of the alley & landed next to a body lying on the ground.

A body?? Who's body?? George?? The Man Who Was Attacking? Ol' Knife Eye??

The boys were scared so they jumped back over the wall and ran to call the police.

I'm going to make a prediction here. I predict that there's not one story I wrote in Year 9 that doesn't involve the main character dying or the police being called. Or in the combo case of The Dark Alley - BOTH.

THE END

Just in case you couldn't figure that out from the dead George Michaels.

These Are The Things That Irritate Him

2009-01-11T02:08:00.000-08:00

I was going to start this with 'a friend of mine once wrote', but it wasn't a friend of mine, it was a guy I knew from work. On his MySpace page one time he wrote a list of 'things that irritate me'.

It was actually entitled 'These are the things that irriate me' so I'm just assuming it's 'irritate', it might be 'irrigate' so you know, if this list of things seems more like 'things that irrigate somebody' well then that's what he meant.

Here's the list.

People that appear to be clever though upon investigate aren't at all

"Oh boy that looks like an intelligent fellow. How are you today?"

"Blarrrg."

"YOU JUST MADE THE LIST SIR."

The people that look like they are working - cause they really aren't

Listen, if you're going to be not working at least make it look that way. Am I right?

The people who look like they aren't working - cause they really aren't

Oh, right. So... if you're not working make it look like... um... you're going for a jog?

The people that say they will do something but don't - be it they are too busy or lazyness

Especially the ones that are too busy. "Hey, can you remember to tape McLeods Daughters for me tonight?"

"Sure."

NEXT DAY

"Sorry, I couldn't do that for you because I had to go to the hospital to have my foot removed."

"Fuck you."

Heavy people that go to all you can eat places and think if they put less on their plate they won't eat as much - they eat more cause they lose track of how many little plates they have consumed and because they are eating all little plates that are having more unhealthy foods.

Heavy people. Heavy people. Why don't you just call them 'fatties'? Cause you're obviously disgusted by their choice of plate size, why not just call them 'fattie boom batties' and applaud yourself on filling one really big plate and never going back for seconds because you're amazing.

This is a huggggggggge one; people that don't say thanks you

Well, I'm pretty sure I've never met anybody who says 'thanks you' so wow you must be pissed all. of. the. time.

People that when you are walking they don't move and expect you to move

What does that even mean? So you're walking and they're standing still? Is that even what you mean? Because if that is the case you're already moving, why wouldn't they expect you to keep moving?

People that put fuel in their car, leave their car at the bowser and then take them time purchasing crap (chips, etc) - hellllo? Im waiting.

Are you freaking serious? If I pull up the petrol station and fill up, I'm not then going to go in and pay and then come back out, move my car, and then go back in to buy myself a drink. I really think you're the only person who gets annoyed by that. They're browsing for food in a service station, they're not taking out a home loan; keep your pants on.

People that clearly stink in the gym and are sweating everywhere - wheres your towl... and why are you sweating so much? ... get some sweat bands or some deodorant... or better yet take it easy if your sweating that much you obviously that unfit you shouldn't be pushing so hard.

What. The. Fuck. "Hey buddy, you're at the gym. What's with all the working out and building up a sweat? Cause seriously you're sweating too much. I mean, buddy look, pal, if you're sweating so much obviously you're out of shape. Maybe you should go to a gym for out of shape people, I believe they call them 'gyms'. Maybe you should go there. Do some workouts, but whatever you do - don't sweat too much. I like to go to the gym and come out the same way I went in - no sweat - no smell - all smooooth'.

People that talk other languages when you are in line somewhere or in an elevator

Especially foreigners. Speaking their foreign language. HEY THIS IS AUSTRALIA! LEARN ENGLISH! If I was to go to Japan I would be fluent in that language like THAT, and if I was to catch up with a fellow English speaker in a line, or on an elevator I would definitely talk to them in my second language and not my native tongue.

Fringes - you know the kind

The kind that speak other languages whilst in a line somewhere?

People that expect you to pay for things

Like shopkeepers, or those assholes who sell train tickets.

Girls that want attention

Sit. Sit in your corner and don't talk!

Blokes that go to the gym and sit down on a machine for 10 minutes not even lifting anything and when they do 1 rep and take another extended break.

Here's something you should really think about: the amount of time you spend watching other guys at the gym.

People that fill their bottle of water up at the gym whilst you are waiting for a mouthful of water... mate it's the same as being in the line of the supermarket and you having 50 items and the person behind you purchasing a tooth brush... just let them go first.

Yeah, here's the real difference: "Oh I can see you are just purchasing a tooth brush, go first." "Hmm, excuse me, are you just going for a sip? Cause if it's just a sip, please go first. Me filling a water bottle could take 30, 40 seconds."

People that are clearly giants.. have a big head.. big hair and can sit anywhere they want in the cinema though opt for sitting in front of you... mate give me a break.

Note that he really hates really big people who sit directly in front of him. They could sit anywhere, and they sit in front of him. He hates that.

People that think they own the seat that they are assigned in the movie... theres another 200 seats buddy, they all look the same.

Yeah, buddy! It's not like you own the seat. So a giant guy with a big head has sat down in front of you, just move. There's another 200 seats! They all look the same!

People that don't say bless you

Yeah, those gesundheit people are real a-holes.

People that make sure they say thank you before anyone else

HEY! HEY! HEY! LOOK! FIRST OF ALL! At point like 9 you make you say it's a 'hugggge one' that you hate people who don't say thank you and now you're all 'yeah, you better fucking say thank you, but if you do it too quickly boy oh boy are you in for a real staring at.'

People that say bless you and say it so loud that you know they want other people to feel bad that they didn't say it.

Hey asshole, NOBODY DOES THAT.

Crap poker players that get lucky - don't worry the odds say that your luck will have diminishing returns

Worst. Fortune Cookie. Ever.

People that bite their nails and chew on them.

You know what gets me? People that bite MY nails and chew on THEM.

People that stay in the turning lane.. the arrow is green though they are going straight.

Yeah, that's not the turning lane. That's the 'turning or going straight lane'. And you're the guy who cries and the traffic lights.

People that cut you off.. they get the green light and you get the red

Where are you being cut off? Right as you get up to the traffic lights? You know what would really shit you? Being cut off and then they get a green turning light but they're going straight. Boy whizz that'd really burn my motor.

People that msg you to say "sorry I missed your call" - need I say more?

Well maybe or else people will start to think you're an irrational douchebag.

People that think brown sugar is better than white (it isn't.. its just brown cause they add syrup

WHAT! WHAT?! WHY IS THIS ON YOUR LIST!??

People that think if they put 1 dead battery in a remote with 1 good battery the good battery will bare the load and it will still work

Look, you've really got to have a talk with your housemate, cause obviously his remote battery etiquette and brown sugar preference is really getting to you.

People that don't talk to you on a train cause they think there is a rule that strangers shouldn't talk

THERE IS A RULE. It's called: don't be weird on public transport.

People that drive whilst talking on the phone when there are other people in the car

You almost think that there's going to be an actual complaint but then bing bang boom he adds the kicker which is just that he felt left out when a friend of his got a phone call in the car one time.

Parking Police that fine you when you have a ticket for 6:28 and the park is free after 6:30 - One word: karma

Four words: that is not real

People that turn off the heating in pools (at apartment blocks) at 8 when it closes at 10 - sure its cold at 10... but it should be warm until 10

I think you meant to put this on the list of 'top ten things I'd do when I get my dream job of apartment super.'

People that go to krispy cream donuts and purchase a box for themselves

How do you know that box they just purchased is for themselves? Do you follow them home? Are you on constant 'heavy people patrol'?

People that have money though don't share it with their friends

...

Sometimes there's no response. There's just you looking at the list and going 'what the fuck is wrong with that guy?'

Oh by the way I got some money the other day and I really wanted to give it to you. Cause that's what I do. BLESS YOU. Oh, sorry too loud. Excuse me I have to go move my car, I left it at the pump and instead of just purchasing that pollywaffle I have to go move it and then come back inside cause I don't want the guy waiting behind me to go on MySpace and write a list of things that bug him and include me on it; what with my preference for brown sugar and everything.

Katy Perry kissed a girl and word is she liked it.

2009-01-08T12:46:00.001-08:00

You know how every time you hear Katy Perry singing about how she kissed a girl, and you know, liked it there's always somebody who goes:

"She didn't really kiss a girl."

And then everybody is all

"Really? What a liar."

Or something like that.

Yeah, well, I've just gotten word. Turns out The Decemberists, in their track 'The Mariner's Revenge Song' the song opens with them singing:

"We are two mariners, our ships sole survivors."

When it's a known fact that lead singer Colin Meloy is not a mariner at all, but instead simply the lead singer of a folk rock band.

But that's not where the lies end in the song. Colin goes on to sing about how he ends up in the belly of a whale with man who he seeks to kill, and then he kills the guy.

Okay, well word on the blogosphere is that this is all lies. Some kind of fabricated "story" made up by Colin & the crew.

And if you think that made me mad wait until you find out about how on The Beatles track "I Want To Hold Your Hand" Paul & John didn't want to hold anybody's hand at all!

An Alien Encounter

2009-01-07T06:00:00.001-08:00

Rifling through my old stuff up in Sydney I came across a pair of old English journals from Year 9 and Year 7. What follows is the first story from my Year 9 English journal from good ol' Q-Town High School.

First you can read the full story and then I'll go into my analysis.

It's entitled An Alien Encounter and was written on the 4/2/1998 (yeah, that's right, before Wikipedia mother fuckers.)

One ~~day~~ night there was a man walking home from work, And all of a sudden it started raining. For some reason no one could explain the man just started walking across a corn field insted of by the road. The man walked to the the middle of the corn field and stopped. He crouched down and started pilling small stones and pebbles into a small pyramid after he did this he got up and walked diagonally six paces from the pyramid. He them crouched down and repeated what he had just done until there was the pyramid in the middle and anouther pyramid six paces away from each of the first ones points. The man then placed his watched & his ring next to the original pyramid as some sort of offering. The man then walked away from the site and back to the highway. ~~and~~ Then the man continued his jouney home.

The next morning the owner of the corn field was plowing his field when he stopped plowing abrubtly. He had noticed that nead the centre of this field the ~~was~~ were circles burnt into the corn. The farmer jumped from his tractor & ran to the center of the circle there he stubbled over a small pile of stones bending down to see what was there. Even though it had rained the night before the ground in the centre of the circle was dry. In the dry mud he found footprints leading from the centre pile. The footprints led to a mark in the ground wich look as if a ramp had been lowered in to the ground. The Farmer go back on his tractor and drove back to ~~the~~ his house and rang the police. The police arrived later & explained to the farmer that it was probally a prank pulled by kids and that they had nothing to worry about, but the farmer wasn't so sure. His wife was frightened so they decided to sell the farm and live in the city.

I'd like to congratulate myself on the use of two whole paragraphs. Before you start thinking that I have any kind of crazy twisted imagination to come up with the idea of a man building stone pyramids and offering up his ring and watch to aliens I stole it from an old episode of Unsolved Mysterys. Yeah, you won't find that in my bibliography.

One ~~day~~ night

Yeah, better go with the night, that's when the magic happens. At night.

there was a man walking home from work. And all of a sudden it started raining.

Holy crap burgers! He was walking home from work, at night, and then BAM! out of the blue, rain. AND NOBODY SAW IT COMING?

For some reason no one could explain the man just started walking across a corn field insted of by the road.

I'm sure there was somebody who could explain, maybe if we asked the man, but then that would need further character development like, oh I don't know, giving the guy a name, or an occupation.

The man walked to the the middle of the corn field and stopped.

He stopped, and wondered, 'hey why don't I buy myself a car, that would save me having to walk home in the dark past all these corn fields.'

He crouched down and started pilling small stones and pebbles into a small pyramid

Oh, it was one of those corn fields that are literally scattered with stones and pebbles. Nothing helps corn grow like planting them in a rock garden.

after he did this he got up and walked diagonally six paces from the pyramid.

Walk diagonally six paces, then use a tea spoon full of salt, not too much mind you, and then there you have it, build a second pyramid.

He them crouched down and repeated what he had just done until there was the pyramid in the middle and anouther

AnoUther, ahh, the classic British spelling of Another. That's how the Americans spell it. Without the 'u'.

pyramid six paces away from each of the first ones points.

'each of the first ones points.' Yeah way to understand what you were writing 14 year old me.

The man then placed his watch & his ring next to the original pyramid as some sort of offering.

So Captain Narrator knows that it's 'some sort of offering' but other than that hey he aint go no clue. There was a man. He built some pyramids. What do you want me to know about it? I'm just telling the story!

The man then walked away from the site and back to the highway. ~~and~~

Wait, no that's probably the end of the sentence. Let's cross out the and.

Then the man continued his jouney home.

Home to where? Can you think of a town name? No? You can't can you fourteen year old me. You saw this on last nights episode of Unsolved Mysteries and all you've managed to remember was how it creeped you out a guy built pyramids for no reason. Yeah, well way to capture the tension of that moment in this story.

The next morning the owner of the corn field was plowing his field when he stopped plowing abrubtly.

"Hold on a second!" Unknown owner man said. "I'm the OWNER of this here corn field, I could get others to do my plowing."

He had noticed that nead the centre of this field the ~~was~~ were circles burnt into the corn.

Take that M. Night Shyamalan this is my Signs.

The farmer jumped from his tractor & ran to the center of the circle there he stubbled over a small pile of stones bending down to see what was there.

Wait. He what? He jumped down. Ran to the center of a empty clearing and still managed to stumble over a small pile of stones WHILST bending down to look at them?

Even though it had rained the night before the ground in the centre of the circle was dry.

When did it rain? Now you're giving us the rain details. Last night I'm pretty sure the man, whoever he was, made it home from whatever job it is he works at and he was still dry. But maybe it was an early shower.

In the dry mud he found footprints leading from the centre pile.

"Holy crap! It would appear that somebody else has stubbled over this pile!"

The footprints led to a mark in the ground wich look as if a ramp had been lowered in to the ground.

"Hmm, these small indents in the mud. Looks like a ramp was lowered here..."

The Farmer go back on his tractor and drove back to ~~the~~ his house and rang the police.

"Officer please come quick I think somebody may have lowered a ramp!"

The police arrived later & explained to the farmer that it was probally a prank pulled by kids

Yeah! It was probably those McCallister kids! They're always building stone pyramids and leaving ramp marks everywhere!

and that they had nothing to worry about, but the farmer wasn't so sure. His wife was frightened so they decided to sell the farm and live in the city.

...

That's it? It's a story about how a farmers wife got scared of a circle in their crops and they moved to the city?

Where's the aliens? The story is entitled An Alien Encounter and unless the aliens arrived on earth in the shape of ramp marks, there were no aliens in that story and nobody encountered anything.

It should have been entitled 'The Story Of The Man Who Walked Home, Piled Some Rocks In A Field And Scared A Farmer's Wife So Much That They Had To Move House'.

Four Christmases

2009-01-06T19:09:00.000-08:00

I don't like telling people that their opinion is wrong, except for the fact that's exactly what I like doing.

So it's with great pleasure I take a look at neil-476's imdb review of Four Christmases entitled:

Funny, truthful movie

*** This comment may contain spoilers ***

Thanks for the heads up there neil-476 I was all worried I'd find out the twist ending... that... they are both dead and Reese Witherspoon is really a man and THERE IS NO TWIST ENDING WHAT EXACTLY DO YOU THINK YOU ARE GOING TO SPOIL?!?

Kate (Reese Witherspoon) and Brad (Vince Vaughn) have been together for three years and are still besotted with each other. Neither of them is particularly fond of their families, though (both sets of parents are divorced, so there are four families to contend with), which is why Kate and Brad make it a point to go on exotic vacations at Christmas, while telling their families white lies about doing humanitarian work. However, when fog grounds all Christmas flights and a TV news crew injudiciously broadcasts Kate and Brad, their cellphones immediately go off, leading to unwanted trips to all four households. And, as the trips proceed one by one, we learn why Kate and Brad avoid their families. They learn things about themselves and each other, and not all they learn is good news.

... oh I see why you said 'spoiler alert' it was because you were just going to type out the entire freaking plot for us rather than actually review anything. I love how half of the imdb reviews are just third graders talking about what movie they saw last night:

"And then the Jurassic dinosaur is mad. And then it eats the goat. And then they're all 'where's the goat?'. And then the goat lands on the roof of the jeep. And then they scream. And then the dino appears. And then they scream again. And then that guy runs out of the car. And then they're all 'where he's going?'. And then the guy from Independence Day is all 'when you gotta go you gotta go.' And then the kids are alone in the car. And then they're all 'he left us he left us'. And then...."

First of all, this film is funny.

First of all, no it's not. But you know, you keep going with all your points. Which are wrong by the way. I hate to be the one to tell you, but you know, I am. So what are you going to do about it? Pfft. People and they're opinions, always so incorrect.

There are a number of laugh-out-loud moments.

I believe, and I know I'm not you so I don't know exactly what you meant to say, but I'm guessing you probably meant to say 'there are a number of laugh-out-loud moments and that number is zero'.

Again, I'm not an official judge or anything, I just know you're wrong.

And, importantly, much of the humour derives from character and situation.

Rather than jokes, or you know, shit like that.

The small amount of bad language is mild, the vulgarity quotient is low, and the message is a positive one.

You sound like a nurse. "Doctor, the patient has a mild case of bad language." "What's his vulgarity quotient look like?" "It's low." "Hmm, and what'd the test for message come up?" "Positive."

It is maybe a touch over-sentimental but hey! c'mon, it's a Christmas movie!

Oh right, it's about Christmas.

Actually, Christmas is merely the backdrop

Oh so it's not about Christmas?

the film is about something rather more fundamental than simply Christmas

What is it? What is it? Tell me! Tell me!

and there is a great deal of truth in both the script and the performances.

... Oh, you're not going to tell us are you? You're just going to say 'it's about something more fundamental than simply Christmas... AND FIGURE THAT OUT ON YOUR OWN.

The cast is excellent, but special mention must go to Brad's Dad (Robert Duvall, very funny) and his two awful brothers, his Mother's boyfriend (an audible gasp in the theatre), and Kate's Dad (a dignified John Voight, delivering probably the most serious speech in the film).

I'd like to give a shout out to John Voight, phoning it in. Brilliant. I'd like to give a hells yeah to Robert Duvall on cashing another check, and the mother's boyfriend definitely deserves an audible gasp.

Vaughn has this sort of part nailed

You mean playing himself like he has in every single fucking film he ever takes? The guy walks on set and goes 'tell me my line right now, i will repeat it and we will make some money together.'

and it's good to see his stock character no longer displaying the air of mild sleaze which has followed him in earlier films.

His mild sleaze? That might sleaze bought him his first six houses thank you very much.

Still, he has a wide range

LOL!

and it would be good to see him stretched beyond this type of part: sympathetic as it may be, it doesn't really challenge him.

You know, somehow I think that's exactly what Vince loves about these roles.

Witherspoon always impresses, and continues to do so here.

I'll tell you what's impressive - your ability to have an opinion that is different to mine yet that is also so very very wrong.

This comedy has some meat on its bones, is devoid of the witless coarseness which so many comedies seem to be built on these days, and has some heart - I recommend it.

Devoid the witless coarseness? You did watch the same movie with the baby vomitting everywhere as I did right? We are talking about Four Christmases, yeah? I know it was called Four Holidays in this country but that's because we're weird and stupid and are afraid people would be offended by it being called 'Christmases' even though the movie is about people celebrating 'Christmas' and not 'The International Day Of Oh Don't Be Offended Because You're Muslim'.

That movie was horrible. There was nothing wrong with your review Neil, except for the fact that you're wrong.

And by wrong I mean 'you have a different opinion than me.'

Which as we all know, is 'wrong'.

The Tree? In a blog?

2009-01-06T18:43:00.000-08:00

Currently over at the Tree we're in a state of 'what the fuck are we going to do.'

There's all sorts of moving to different countries, and traveling around the everywhere, and doing all sorts of business that involves not having a regular computer or internet connection or whatever the such.

So that leads to this. The Smoking Tree Blog.

Yeah, that's right the Tree in blog form.

This means that I can blog whenever I want, about whatever I want, wherever I am, without having to go through the whole 'updating the web page' business.

Yeah, Smoking Tree: The Proper Website will still be around sitting there with all it's archivey goodness, and it will be back. It's just on hold at the moment. But for now, for now I'm just going to blog about whatever shit I want to blog about.

Blogging. It's like taking a crap. You do it every so often and the results aren't pretty, but hey, everybody's got to crap right?