These Are The Things That Irritate Him

I was going to start this with 'a friend of mine once wrote', but it wasn't a friend of mine, it was a guy I knew from work. On his MySpace page one time he wrote a list of 'things that irritate me'.

It was actually entitled 'These are the things that irriate me' so I'm just assuming it's 'irritate', it might be 'irrigate' so you know, if this list of things seems more like 'things that irrigate somebody' well then that's what he meant.

Here's the list.

• People that appear to be clever though upon investigate aren't at all

"Oh boy that looks like an intelligent fellow. How are you today?"

"Blarrrg."

"YOU JUST MADE THE LIST SIR."

• The people that look like they are working - cause they really aren't

Listen, if you're going to be not working at least make it look that way. Am I right?

• The people who look like they aren't working - cause they really aren't

Oh, right. So... if you're not working make it look like... um... you're going for a jog?

• The people that say they will do something but don't - be it they are too busy or lazyness

Especially the ones that are too busy. "Hey, can you remember to tape McLeods Daughters for me tonight?"

"Sure."

NEXT DAY

"Sorry, I couldn't do that for you because I had to go to the hospital to have my foot removed."

"Fuck you."

• Heavy people that go to all you can eat places and think if they put less on their plate they won't eat as much - they eat more cause they lose track of how many little plates they have consumed and because they are eating all little plates that are having more unhealthy foods.

Heavy people. Heavy people. Why don't you just call them 'fatties'? Cause you're obviously disgusted by their choice of plate size, why not just call them 'fattie boom batties' and applaud yourself on filling one really big plate and never going back for seconds because you're amazing.

• This is a huggggggggge one; people that don't say thanks you

Well, I'm pretty sure I've never met anybody who says 'thanks you' so wow you must be pissed all. of. the. time.

• People that when you are walking they don't move and expect you to move

What does that even mean? So you're walking and they're standing still? Is that even what you mean? Because if that is the case you're already moving, why wouldn't they expect you to keep moving?

• People that put fuel in their car, leave their car at the bowser and then take them time purchasing crap (chips, etc) - hellllo? Im waiting.

Are you freaking serious? If I pull up the petrol station and fill up, I'm not then going to go in and pay and then come back out, move my car, and then go back in to buy myself a drink. I really think you're the only person who gets annoyed by that. They're browsing for food in a service station, they're not taking out a home loan; keep your pants on.

• People that clearly stink in the gym and are sweating everywhere - wheres your towl... and why are you sweating so much? ... get some sweat bands or some deodorant... or better yet take it easy if your sweating that much you obviously that unfit you shouldn't be pushing so hard.

What. The. Fuck. "Hey buddy, you're at the gym. What's with all the working out and building up a sweat? Cause seriously you're sweating too much. I mean, buddy look, pal, if you're sweating so much obviously you're out of shape. Maybe you should go to a gym for out of shape people, I believe they call them 'gyms'. Maybe you should go there. Do some workouts, but whatever you do - don't sweat too much. I like to go to the gym and come out the same way I went in - no sweat - no smell - all smooooth'.

• People that talk other languages when you are in line somewhere or in an elevator

Especially foreigners. Speaking their foreign language. HEY THIS IS AUSTRALIA! LEARN ENGLISH! If I was to go to Japan I would be fluent in that language like THAT, and if I was to catch up with a fellow English speaker in a line, or on an elevator I would definitely talk to them in my second language and not my native tongue.

• Fringes - you know the kind

The kind that speak other languages whilst in a line somewhere?

• People that expect you to pay for things

Like shopkeepers, or those assholes who sell train tickets.

• Girls that want attention

Sit. Sit in your corner and don't talk!

• Blokes that go to the gym and sit down on a machine for 10 minutes not even lifting anything and when they do 1 rep and take another extended break.

Here's something you should really think about: the amount of time you spend watching other guys at the gym.

• People that fill their bottle of water up at the gym whilst you are waiting for a mouthful of water... mate it's the same as being in the line of the supermarket and you having 50 items and the person behind you purchasing a tooth brush... just let them go first.

Yeah, here's the real difference: "Oh I can see you are just purchasing a tooth brush, go first." "Hmm, excuse me, are you just going for a sip? Cause if it's just a sip, please go first. Me filling a water bottle could take 30, 40 seconds."

• People that are clearly giants.. have a big head.. big hair and can sit anywhere they want in the cinema though opt for sitting in front of you... mate give me a break.

Note that he really hates really big people who sit directly in front of him. They could sit anywhere, and they sit in front of him. He hates that.

• People that think they own the seat that they are assigned in the movie... theres another 200 seats buddy, they all look the same.

Yeah, buddy! It's not like you own the seat. So a giant guy with a big head has sat down in front of you, just move. There's another 200 seats! They all look the same!

• People that don't say bless you

Yeah, those gesundheit people are real a-holes.

• People that make sure they say thank you before anyone else

HEY! HEY! HEY! LOOK! FIRST OF ALL! At point like 9 you make you say it's a 'hugggge one' that you hate people who don't say thank you and now you're all 'yeah, you better fucking say thank you, but if you do it too quickly boy oh boy are you in for a real staring at.'

• People that say bless you and say it so loud that you know they want other people to feel bad that they didn't say it.

Hey asshole, NOBODY DOES THAT.

• Crap poker players that get lucky - don't worry the odds say that your luck will have diminishing returns

Worst. Fortune Cookie. Ever.

• People that bite their nails and chew on them.

You know what gets me? People that bite MY nails and chew on THEM.

• People that stay in the turning lane.. the arrow is green though they are going straight.

Yeah, that's not the turning lane. That's the 'turning or going straight lane'. And you're the guy who cries and the traffic lights.

• People that cut you off.. they get the green light and you get the red

Where are you being cut off? Right as you get up to the traffic lights? You know what would really shit you? Being cut off and then they get a green turning light but they're going straight. Boy whizz that'd really burn my motor.

• People that msg you to say "sorry I missed your call" - need I say more?

Well maybe or else people will start to think you're an irrational douchebag.

• People that think brown sugar is better than white (it isn't.. its just brown cause they add syrup

WHAT! WHAT?! WHY IS THIS ON YOUR LIST!??

• People that think if they put 1 dead battery in a remote with 1 good battery the good battery will bare the load and it will still work

Look, you've really got to have a talk with your housemate, cause obviously his remote battery etiquette and brown sugar preference is really getting to you.

• People that don't talk to you on a train cause they think there is a rule that strangers shouldn't talk

THERE IS A RULE. It's called: don't be weird on public transport.

• People that drive whilst talking on the phone when there are other people in the car

You almost think that there's going to be an actual complaint but then bing bang boom he adds the kicker which is just that he felt left out when a friend of his got a phone call in the car one time.

• Parking Police that fine you when you have a ticket for 6:28 and the park is free after 6:30 - One word: karma

Four words: that is not real

• People that turn off the heating in pools (at apartment blocks) at 8 when it closes at 10 - sure its cold at 10... but it should be warm until 10

I think you meant to put this on the list of 'top ten things I'd do when I get my dream job of apartment super.'

• People that go to krispy cream donuts and purchase a box for themselves

How do you know that box they just purchased is for themselves? Do you follow them home? Are you on constant 'heavy people patrol'?

• People that have money though don't share it with their friends

...

Sometimes there's no response. There's just you looking at the list and going 'what the fuck is wrong with that guy?'

Oh by the way I got some money the other day and I really wanted to give it to you. Cause that's what I do. BLESS YOU. Oh, sorry too loud. Excuse me I have to go move my car, I left it at the pump and instead of just purchasing that pollywaffle I have to go move it and then come back inside cause I don't want the guy waiting behind me to go on MySpace and write a list of things that bug him and include me on it; what with my preference for brown sugar and everything.