Part C - Creative Writing

Having read a few of the stories I wrote when I was in year 9 people have brought to me several conclusions.

Either I was a) retarded, b) really lazy, or c) really lazy and retarded.

Otherwise they can't understand how a fourteen year old with an addiction to verbs didn't understand how to construct a story which didn't involve police officers, and the brutal death of a main character.

Yes, well, I'm here to address that with my Creative Writing Test. In Year 9, there were three parts to the English exam. Part C was creative writing. They gave us a selection of 6 "options" we could write about. They ranged from sentences, or pictures, or the first line of a story, etc.

They were:

1) 'That's it! The wedding's off!'

2) [A picture of a crazy looking man being dragged down a hall by two men in sunglasses and suits.]

3) 'The night Joe Stewart died I was walking alone through the streets of Daytonville'

4) "It may not be as long as we think", replied X. "At any moment Lox could beam us and tell us to come home."

5) [A BC comic... for some reason... with the line:] "The trouble with people today is they don't listen to other people." [ALWAYS HILARIOUS BC. ALWAYS. HILARIOUS.]

6) Several centuries ago, in a country whose name doesn't matter, there was a tall, skinny, straggly-bearded old wizard named Prospero.

Now, with my love of murder you'd think I'd pick the Joe Stewart dying scenario, or my love of police men might lead me to the crazy guy being dragged away by the feds, or I might even use the crazy old wizard and make him murder police officers.

So that's obviously why I chose '1) That's it! The wedding's off!'

...

What follows is the complete story, after the story I will go line by line and make fun of myself.

"That's it! The wedding's off!" The bride cried as she ran from the alter, down the aisle, past the crowds of people watching the couple wed. She burst out the church doors. The groom turned and chased her out of the building, all the time screaming "I didn't mean it."

Disaster had struck a few moments earlier when the priest had said "Do you Doris take Joe to be your husband." The groom went into shock and said "Your names not Doris, it's Sara. Isn't it?" Sara was the name of Joe's beautiful young secretary.

Doris went all red and slapped Joe across the face. Joe was again shocked and when he looked towards the crowd he had a red hand print plastered across his face. The mother of the bride, who was a short chubby women, had fainted when she heard Joe say Sara's name.

He poor husband had to catch her. The sudden burden made him stubble back and topple over the chairs and fall into the row of relatives behind. When Joe asked was Doris's name Sara, the bridesmaids giggled. When they saw Doris hit Joe they stopped giggling and started to blush with embarass ment.

As Joe ran out of the building, the tall well built man, who was the best man followed at a good pace. The mother of the groom was just as shocked as the mother of the bride and also fainted. She was a tall thin woman and toppled over onto the ground. Her husband was not there to catch her, for he had run after the best man. The father of the groom knew something that nobody else knew. He knew that Doris has been seeing the best man. He had seen them kissing outside the church that very day.

The crowd watched in shock as the bride ran out of the building, occasionally stumbling on her long white wedding dress, followed by a groom with a hand print on his face, who was being chased by a well built best man, followed by a tall thin father of the groom. To top things all off Aut Yettel had a heart attack right there in the church.

A month later Doris married Frank, the best man. They had a wonderful outdoor wedding. Around the same time Aunt Yettel's funeral was held. The week before Doris & Frank wed Joe & Sara also had a wonderful wedding. After they left the church during Doris & Joe's wedding Joe's fathter gave Frank a black eye.

Frank retaliated by breaking his nose and sending him to hospital. Joe's father recently recovered & decided not to press charges. Doris' father got miner bruising from falling over the chairs & his wife was perfectly fine, as his the mother of the groom.

15/20

Yeah, that's right. I got 15 out of 20 for that assignment - TAKE THAT ENGLISH LANGUAGE PETER JONES WINS AGAIN!

Now, let's take a deeper look at the story that if it had title would probably be called 'The Wedding'.

"That's it! The wedding's off!" The bride cried as she ran from the alter,

Holy crap. She's calling the wedding off whilst the wedding is taking place. Man, she just ran from the alter.

down the aisle,

Oh, and down the aisle...

past the crowds of people watching the couple wed.

Oh, and past the crowds of people watching... It aint exactly "It was the best of times, it was the worst of times." But it's up there in the best opening line competition.

She burst out the church doors. The groom turned and chased her out of the building, all the time screaming "I didn't mean it."

He chased her from the alter... down the aisle... past the crowds of people watching the couple wed...

Disaster had struck a few moments earlier

WHEN A HURRICANE HIT?!?

when the priest had said "Do you Doris take Joe to be your husband."

Doris? Joe? Wow, so it was an old people wedding? I see Joe recovered from the time a bear killed all his camping buddies. He grew up and married an elderly woman named Doris.

The groom went into shock and

Lay on the ground?? Lay on the ground??

said "Your names not Doris, it's Sara. Isn't it?"

Wow. Just like on Friends... only you know, more weird. "Do you take Doris?" "That's not Doris. That's Sara. DURR I'm retarded."

Sara was the name of Joe's beautiful young secretary.

Of course it was. Man, this story is already steeped in such realism it can only take a turn for the EVEN MORE REALISM.

Doris went all red and slapped Joe across the face. Joe was again shocked

Joe spends his life being shocked, or chased by bears, or dashing at trees...

and when he looked towards the crowd he had a red hand print plastered across his face.

JUST LIKE IN CARTOONS

The mother of the bride, who was a short chubby women, had fainted when she heard Joe say Sara's name.

I'm sure I meant 'woman' rather than 'women', but who knows maybe the father of the bride was Bill Paxton from Big Love.

She was fainting all the time though whenever she heard people say the wrong name. "And the winner of the best supporting actress oscar goes to... Maris Tomei."

CHUBBY SHORT WOMAN FAINTS.

He poor husband had to catch her.

They say 'write what you know'. Or in the case of this story 'write what you think would happen in a really bad sitcom'.

The sudden burden made him stubble back

THERE IT IS AGAIN! Not only do I love the word STUMBLE having used it in the three of the last four stories I've written but I love spelling it incorrectly. WHY DID NOBODY CORRECT ME EVER?!

and topple over the chairs and fall into the row of relatives behind.

There are hijinks galore in this little tale.

When Joe asked was Doris's name Sara, the bridesmaids giggled.

Yeah, cause that's what bridesmaids do. They giggle at shit. Bridesmaids are the real life equivilant of 'hehe'.

When they saw Doris hit Joe they stopped giggling and started to blush with embarass ment.

I don't know why I thought embarass and ment were two words, but I also believed that grown women would giggle when the fiance of their best friend said the wrong name at her wedding.

As Joe ran out of the building, the tall well built man, who was the best man followed at a good pace.

Well of course it was a good pace, he's a tall well built man. A tall well built man wouldn't follow at a slow pace. He'd follow at a good pace.

The mother of the groom was just as shocked as the mother of the bride and also fainted.

It's not that shocking. It's kind of 'oh shit, you idiot' bad. But it's not "OH MY GOD I HAVE FAINTED" bad.

She was a tall thin woman and toppled over onto the ground. Her husband was not there to catch her, for he had run after the best man.

Okay, so that's pretty funny.

The father of the groom knew something that nobody else knew.

That the mother of the bride must be at least 112 to have a daughter named Doris?

He knew that Doris has been seeing the best man. He had seen them kissing outside the church that very day.

Outside the church? Real subtle guys. I'm surprised the father of the groom was the only one to see you MAKING OUT... OUTSIDE THE CHURCH... EARLIER IN THE DAY. So the Bride, who was probably off somewhere getting ready to arrive by car with her bridesmaids managed to get away for a little while to meet the best man outside the church for some pashing? And who else happened to be there - father of the groom, who wanted his son to marry a lady who was cheating on her. Geniuses. All of them.

The crowd watched in shock as the bride ran out of the building, occasionally stumbling

I SPELT IT RIGHT!!!!!!

on her long white wedding dress, followed by a groom with a hand print on his face, who was being chased by a well built best man, followed by a tall thin father of the groom. To top things all off Aut Yettel had a heart attack right there in the church.

Aunt Yettel? Yettel? Oi ve.

A month later Doris married Frank, the best man.

What happened when they ran outside? Did everybody come to a compromise? "Hey, look, I said Sara, you pashed my best man who's name happens to be Frank cause he's 62, why don't you two get married, you're about the same age."

They had a wonderful outdoor wedding.

Yeah, I bet it was delightful. I wonder if anybody stubbled over anything.

Around the same time Aunt Yettel's funeral was held.

Obviously it was Joe's Aunt Yettel, or else Doris was being very fair - having a wedding around the time they bury her Aunt.

Also, it took a month for Yettel to get buried? What were they doing with her? Prancing around with her Weekend At Bernies style?

Also, a character died for no reason. I knew this was a story of mine.

The week before Doris & Frank wed Joe & Sara also had a wonderful wedding.

So Joe & Sara get married before they even bury Aunt Yettel? Maybe Yettel didn't die from the heart attack and was just hanging around the hospital for a couple of weeks before the proverbial bucket was proverbially kicked.

After they left the church during Doris & Joe's wedding Joe's fathter gave Frank a black eye.

What? Is this a flashback? Is this an afterthought? Is this me going 'oh you know what would have been good if the unnamed father of the groom had black eyed Franks face, let's just add that in there now.'

Frank retaliated by breaking his nose and sending him to hospital.

That's how Frank rolls. Cause you see, he's a tall well built gentleman.

Joe's father recently recovered & decided not to press charges.

He's only recently recovered?? And he doesn't want to press charges?? I'm surprised he's not being buried alongside Aunt Yettel.

Doris' father got miner bruising from falling over the chairs & his wife was perfectly fine, as his the mother of the groom.

Well, that's one way to end the story... another way would be to include some sort of ending, rather than just random notes about how the mother of the groom turned out A-ok.

And that's the story of how I did better than everybody else in my year 9 class, because let's face it - they were extra retarded, and my teacher was extralient on me because of her love of scenes involving old ladies named Yettel having heart attacks.