The Dark Alley

So continuing my ongoing exploration of my 'early works'. Here's a story I wrote in Year 9 entitled:

The Dark Alley 18.2.98

First the story, and then I'll do some HIGH-LARIOUS analysis.

One day George Michaels was walking home from his work in the city & decided to take a short cut through an alley between the grocers & an apartment building. George hadn't ever taken the chort cut before & he was seeing if it was quicker through the alley. He started walking down the alley when he saw a small kitten crawling between to trash cans. He walked over to it. He was about to pick it up when someone grabbed him from behind & thre him into a bag of rubbish on the other side of the alley. George opened his eyes & got up. He ran towards the man and hit him in the stomach. The man gasped and stepped backwards.

George saw the man grab something from his back pocket. All George could see was a glint of light off whatever it was in the mans hand. George guessed it was a knife & sprinted for the opposite end of the Alley. He ran down to the end of alley. Unfortunately for George it came to a dead end.

Looking for a way out he saw a length of pipe which he picked up to use as a weapon. When the man who was attacking appeared from the shadows there were two other men with him also carrying knifes. George swung the pipe wildly trying to hit something. The men weren't worried and ran at him, eyes gleaming. George didn't stand a chance but tried anyway.

Three days later 2 boys taking the short cut to the grocers jumped over the wall at the dead end of the alley & landed next to a body lying on the ground. The boys were scared so they jumped back over the wall and ran to call the police.

THE END

The best part was when it had four paragraphs.

One day George Michaels

George Michaels? Really? And it's called The Dark Alley, exactly what kind of story is this??

was walking home from his work in the city

'his work' in 'the city', wow it just drips of authenticity.

& decided to take a short cut through an alley between the grocers & an apartment building.

A grocers and an apartment building, just like I'd seen on television programs I'd watched, and not like I'd witnessed in real life, because what do I know about things.

George hadn't ever taken the short cut before & he was seeing if it was quicker through the alley.

"Hi, I'm George. I live in the city. I also work in the city at some unknown job. I am also really stupid as to just wander down alleys looking for short cuts. Apparently I haven't lived or worked in this city very long."

He started walking down the alley when he saw a small kitten crawling between to trash cans.

Oh I bet this becomes a sweet Disney film about a lovable kitten and a homosexual pop singer.

He walked over to it. He was about to pick it up when someone grabbed him from behind

AND SUNG HIM A SONG?!?

& thru him into a bag of rubbish

OH NO!! IT'S TAKEN A TURN!!

on the other side of the alley.

So there's some goon just hanging around in an alley waiting for somebody to be weird enough to pick up a stray kitten. And then when he does arrive the goon doesn't push him to the ground or anything, he grabs him and throws him to THE OTHER SIDE OF THE ALLEY and into a trash bag.

George opened his eyes & got up.

He suddenly realized he was on THE OTHER SIDE... of the alley.

He ran towards the man and hit him in the stomach.

Now George, if only you'd run towards the man and hit him in the face, or if you'd run away from the man and hit him with the dust of you running away from him.

The man gasped and stepped backwards.

He gasped? As in "OH MY! How could you hit me in the stomach like that?!"

George saw the man grab something from his back pocket.

His back pocket? Maybe it's his wallet? The man was probably grabbing his wallet.

All George could see was a glint of light off whatever it was in the mans hand.

Well... wallets don't glint.

George guessed it was a knife & sprinted for the opposite end of the Alley.

"Um, is it a lighter? No. Is it a comb? No? Not a shiny metal comb? No. I guess it's a knife then!"

He ran down to the end of alley. Unfortunately for George it came to a dead end.

Silly George, not running to the safety of the grocers...

Looking for a way out he saw a length of pipe

Well, he's not very good at this 'looking for a way out' business if when looking for exits he finds piping.

which he picked up to use as a weapon.

But George! You're looking for exits! LOOK! LOOK AT THE END OF THE ALLEY WHERE THERE'S A REALLY BIG OPENING AND IT GOES OUT ONTO THE MAIN ROAD! LOOK IN THAT DIRECTION!

When the man who was attacking

And he shall forever be known as The Man... Who Was Attacking.

appeared from the shadows there were two other men with him also carrying knifes.

Where were these guy's hiding? How dark were the shadows in this alley that George managed to enter, spot a kitten and not notice the three guys hanging around with gleaming knives.

George swung the pipe wildly trying to hit something.

Maybe if he'd swung the pipe more accurately and at somebody's head he would have been more successful.

The men weren't worried

Isn't that a massive burn on George? "I'm going to kill you with this pipe to the head!" "We're not worried."

and ran at him, eyes gleaming.

Are their eyes made of knife?

George didn't stand a chance but tried anyway.

You know you're in trouble when the narrator gives up on you.

Three days later 2 boys taking the short cut to the grocers

Yeah, cause that's what kids do all day - take short cuts to the grocery store. "Oh boy, we could pick up milk!"

jumped over the wall at the dead end of the alley & landed next to a body lying on the ground.

A body?? Who's body?? George?? The Man Who Was Attacking? Ol' Knife Eye??

The boys were scared so they jumped back over the wall and ran to call the police.

I'm going to make a prediction here. I predict that there's not one story I wrote in Year 9 that doesn't involve the main character dying or the police being called. Or in the combo case of The Dark Alley - BOTH.

THE END

Just in case you couldn't figure that out from the dead George Michaels.