The Camping Trip

Continuing the tradition of me writing about myself, I present probably my finest story effort of year 9:
The Camping Trip (no date given)

Yeah, I was all up on titles. An Alien Encounter, The Dark Alley and now The Camping Trip. Wow, I wonder what those stories are about!?

First I'll post the story itself in case you want to read it uninterrupted and then I'll post the story interrupted with my thoughts on what's going on.

It was dark for an afternoon but the five boys were still going to find somewhere to camp. Joe was getting worried & wanted to stop but Barry insisted that they should keep going. It was almost pitch black when the came to the clearing. Barry told William & John to set up the tents when he & Frank went to look for firewood. Joe decided to help William & John. 30 mins later Barry came running back into the campsite screaming "It got Frank. It got Frank."

"What did Barry?" John asked. "What got Frank?"

"A BEAR!" When Barry said this a huge roar came from the bushes & a huge BEAR came out & attacked the camp. William stubbled backwards of a log & fell to the ground. John stood shocked in the middle of the campsite while Joe made a dash for the nearest tree. The Bear turned its head & went charging for Barry. Barry screamed but there was nothing he could do. The Bear attacked him & tore him apart while John screamed & ran towards the bushes the Bear came out of.

William layed on the ground shocked. Joe climbed the tree & hid himself. John searched in the bushes for a rock. He found one & *crossed out* [pegged] threw it at the bears head. The bear flinced & turned to face John. John gulped & bolted into the bushes, the Bear followed. William stood up & heard a blood curdling scream & growling. Joe was shocked & couldn't move from the tree he was in. William just ran back out of the forest & to the police station without stopping. Half an hour later, the police arrived with William & hunted for the bear. One of the police men helped Joe out of the tree. Joe walked with the policeman to his car. When he got to the car he heard gun shots & an animals scream. Joe was relieved but still was frightened as he got in the car. THE END

I like how it was called The Camping Trip and no actual camping took place.

It was dark for an afternoon but the five boys were still going to find somewhere to camp.

THE five boys. THE five boys. Like we already know who THE five boys are.

Joe was getting worried & wanted to stop but Barry insisted that they should keep going.

Joe? Barry? Well, it's a step up from George Michaels, but still there's a LOOONG way to go before I figure out how to name a character, you know, a real person's name.

It was almost pitch black when the came to the clearing.

Almost pitch black? Wow, that is one freaking dark afternoon.

Barry told William & John to set up the tents when he & Frank went to look for firewood.

Barry? William? John? Frank? Joe? WOW! JUST LIKE REAL KIDS NAMES!

Joe decided to help William & John.

Oh, is William & John one person?

30 mins later

30 mins. Look at me cutting corners while writing by hand. TXTMSGS ARE THE FUTURE.

Barry came running back into the campsite screaming "It got Frank. It got Frank."

Holy crap! DIALOGUE. Who would have thought that my first use of dialogue in these stories would be the memorable line "It got Frank. It got Frank."

"What did Barry?" John asked. "What got Frank?"

Nice questioning John, that'll get you the answers you're looking for!

"A BEAR!" When Barry said

Barry 'said'. Cause it read like he SCREAMED.

this a huge roar came from the bushes & a huge BEAR came out

I don't know why BEAR is capitalized like that, maybe it was a really big bear, or a bear that was yelling.

& attacked the camp.

Holy crap. The bear just comes in and BAM! BEAR ATTACKS CAMP!

William stubbled backwards of a log & fell to the ground.

Somebody should have circled the word 'stubbled' (cause I made the same error in An Alien Encounter) and written in red pen that I mean 'stuMbled' and not 'stubbled' as if William hadn't shaved for a couple of days.

John stood shocked in the middle of the campsite while Joe made a dash for the nearest tree.

I don't know which is stupider, John's plan of standing shocked, or Joe's plan of dashing at trees.

The Bear turned its head & went charging for Barry.

Why not John? He was standing shocked. Easy target. Joe got away because Bears can't stand tree dashing.

Barry screamed but there was nothing he could do.

... except scream.

The Bear attacked him & tore him apart

HOLY SHIT!

while John screamed & ran towards the bushes the Bear came out of.

John has no idea how to defeat a bear. First standing shocked. Now screaming and running at bushes. Everybody knows you should dash at trees.

William layed on the ground shocked.

Haha. I can just picture this kid lying down on the ground in shock. Like there's a bear attack. Barry has been torn to pieces, and William just has a bit of a lie down.

Joe climbed the tree & hid himself.

That took him a while. He dashed ages ago. It took him the time of BARRY BEING TORN APART for him to climb a tree.

John searched in the bushes for a rock.

John's a real freaking moron isn't he. Defeat a bear that can tear children apart with a rock? Yeah, great plan.

He found one & *crossed out* [pegged] threw it at the bears head.

This is probably my favorite crossed out word in any story I've ever written. You need further proof that I was fourteen when I wrote this story: I thought 'pegged' would be an appropriate replacement for 'threw'. I'm surprised nothing was chucked at some point.

The bear flinced & turned to face John.

TWO FOR FLINCHING.

John gulped & bolted into the bushes

Bolting into bushes? You're supposed to DASH AT TREES!

, the Bear followed.

Oh shit. DEAD CHILD ALERT COMING UP.

William stood up & heard

Everybody is doing a lot of & stuff. "John gulped & bolted." "The bear turned & faced." "William stood up & heard."

a blood curdling scream & growling.

"scream & growling." Probably the greatest combo word ever written.

Joe was shocked & couldn't move from the tree he was in.

Well, at least he didn't just lie down WILLIAM.

William just ran back out of the forest & to the police station without stopping.

There's the police we were waiting for! Main character = dead. Police = on their way. This = a Peter Jones story.

Half an hour later, the police arrived with William & hunted for the bear.

Yeah, cause that's what the cops do. Go bear hunting.

One of the police men helped Joe out of the tree.

If only William was still in shock, one of the police men could have helped him off the ground.

Joe walked with the policeman to his car. When he got to the car he heard gun shots & an animals scream.

Haha. Picture a bear screaming. Funniest thing ever.

Joe was relieved but still was frightened as he got in the car.

Wow. It got Frank. Barry was torn apart. John go to scream while being growled at. William went hunting. And Joe got in a car, whilst still being frightened. Yeah, way to be brave Joe, be scared once safely in a car. BARRY'S DEAD.

THE END

Well, for everybody but William & Joe anyway.