So Triple J's Hot 100 is out again for another year. What did the all knowing uber-hip crowd of posers and greens voters hit up this year as the number 1 song?
Kings Of Leon - Sex On Fire
Oh Triple J Listeners... you really do plan to just be completely unsurprisingly year in year out don't you?
Man, if only Powderfinger or Wolfmother had released another album you would have had the Top Ten sewn up right there.
MGMT at #2, #5 and The Presets at #6 and #8.
Let the shit dance music revolution continue!
Empire Of The Sun? You guys named yourself after a shitty Spielberg film?
You know who my favorite electronic music duo is? Always. Closely followed by Minority Report. They rock the rad beats.
#9 The Ting Tings - That's Not My Name.
The Ting Tings? MGMT? The Presets?
Way to make this list completely unlistenable two years from now.
#13 The Herd - The King Is Dead...
Is that song about John Howard? Because if it is here's the heads up: you're the only guys who care.
Seriously if the Herd harped on about how much they hate John Howard anymore we'd think they had a grade school crush on the guy.
#14 & #15 - The Rapture & Cut Copy?
What happened did only homosexual 22 year olds vote this year?
MGMT's Time To Pretend only clocked in at #18?
What. The. Fuck. Not only one of the best songs of the year, but also the only good song MGMT will ever release, but it's too mainstream for the fucking Triple J crowd, they've got to give the top MGMT honours to Kids. Or fucking Electric Feel. "We can't conform too much with mainstream society that's when we'd find out exactly how irrelevant we are."
#23 The Living End - White Noise.
The Living End could record themselves shitting into a bucket and they'd make this list...
Update: That's exactly what White Noise is.
#27 Josh Pyke
#28 Archetecture In Helsinki
Really? Wow. You guys are really batting outside your comfort zone this year huh? ... what happened to Cog?
#31 Cog
It's almost as if Triple J have heard of good music by putting Vampire Weekend on the list, but they can't quite figure out how to vote for anything that isn't 'dance'something or 'electronic'whatevers.
It's a good thing you voted for Nick Cave, cause if there's one thing we need it's that unburied corpse wandering aimlessly across the Aria stage for another fucking year complaining about how some band he used to play with that nobody gives a shit about wasn't listed on the award either.
DUDE THE ARIA HALL OF FAME IS JUST FILLER! NOBODY ACTUALLY RELEVANT ON THE LIST. IF THE ARIAS HAD IT THEIR WAY IT WOULD BE POWDERFINGER EVERY SINGLE YEAR.
"This year entering the Hall Of Fame is Powderfinger for their single Sunsets."
There's good music on the list (and by good music I mean music I like) like Death Cab For Cutie, Cold War Kids and Lily Allen.
But then there's also Something For Numbers.
Something For Numbers is still around?
I swear to god they got lost in a time portal where they're stuck at the Big Day Out in 1999 playing on Stage 2 right before 28 Days.
Proof Triple J listeners don't know what they're talking about.
#65 Fleet Foxes - White Winter Hymnal
Have a listen to White Winter Hymnal and then try and justify it coming in below Faker.
The Grates are on the list like 3 times. I like the Grates, which is to say I hate all of the Grates singles, but there's some good songs on their albums if you can get past all the screeching grrrl bullshit.
The 100 rounds out with such totally non poser choices of:
Sigur Ros and Dizzee Rascal...
But also Gyroscope & Metallica... so maybe all Triple J listeners are 14 year old boys trapped in 1996 after all.
Monday, January 26, 2009
Sunday, January 18, 2009
YouTube is shit.
So I have a few videos up on YouTube, and yeah they infringe on copyright because I include snippets from various songs owned by other people, so of course that leads to me getting an email from YouTube saying that my video McRubbish may have content that is owned or licensed by WMG.
It goes on:
No action is required on your part.
No action is required except that it still means your entire video now has no audio. At all. That's all well and good for people posting complete songs on the 'tube, but mine was part of a song appearing part way through a movie made by me.
So all the audio is gone. Not just C'Mon C'Mon by the Von Bondies. So apparently WMG don't want their audio messed with, but my audio - the audio that didn't have anything to do with WMG at all - they can mess with that.
YouTube allow you to swap out the music with a song from their library of available music. That's sweet, but it swaps out ALL OF THE AUDIO OF THE VIDEO. So that's awesome if I wanted to replace everything I said with SOME COUNTRY SONG NOBODY HAS EVER HEARD OF, but otherwise I'm stuck with no audio.
I ended up giving up and just deleting the video altogether, which is what they want of course, and fair enough they blank the audio that belongs to them - but the audio that belongs to me they could have left that well alone.
But what can you do? They're WMG and YouTube and I'm well, me.
It goes on:
No action is required on your part.
No action is required except that it still means your entire video now has no audio. At all. That's all well and good for people posting complete songs on the 'tube, but mine was part of a song appearing part way through a movie made by me.
So all the audio is gone. Not just C'Mon C'Mon by the Von Bondies. So apparently WMG don't want their audio messed with, but my audio - the audio that didn't have anything to do with WMG at all - they can mess with that.
YouTube allow you to swap out the music with a song from their library of available music. That's sweet, but it swaps out ALL OF THE AUDIO OF THE VIDEO. So that's awesome if I wanted to replace everything I said with SOME COUNTRY SONG NOBODY HAS EVER HEARD OF, but otherwise I'm stuck with no audio.
I ended up giving up and just deleting the video altogether, which is what they want of course, and fair enough they blank the audio that belongs to them - but the audio that belongs to me they could have left that well alone.
But what can you do? They're WMG and YouTube and I'm well, me.
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
Part C - Creative Writing
Having read a few of the stories I wrote when I was in year 9 people have brought to me several conclusions.
Either I was a) retarded, b) really lazy, or c) really lazy and retarded.
Otherwise they can't understand how a fourteen year old with an addiction to verbs didn't understand how to construct a story which didn't involve police officers, and the brutal death of a main character.
Yes, well, I'm here to address that with my Creative Writing Test. In Year 9, there were three parts to the English exam. Part C was creative writing. They gave us a selection of 6 "options" we could write about. They ranged from sentences, or pictures, or the first line of a story, etc.
They were:
1) 'That's it! The wedding's off!'
2) [A picture of a crazy looking man being dragged down a hall by two men in sunglasses and suits.]
3) 'The night Joe Stewart died I was walking alone through the streets of Daytonville'
4) "It may not be as long as we think", replied X. "At any moment Lox could beam us and tell us to come home."
5) [A BC comic... for some reason... with the line:] "The trouble with people today is they don't listen to other people." [ALWAYS HILARIOUS BC. ALWAYS. HILARIOUS.]
6) Several centuries ago, in a country whose name doesn't matter, there was a tall, skinny, straggly-bearded old wizard named Prospero.
Now, with my love of murder you'd think I'd pick the Joe Stewart dying scenario, or my love of police men might lead me to the crazy guy being dragged away by the feds, or I might even use the crazy old wizard and make him murder police officers.
So that's obviously why I chose '1) That's it! The wedding's off!'
...
What follows is the complete story, after the story I will go line by line and make fun of myself.
"That's it! The wedding's off!" The bride cried as she ran from the alter, down the aisle, past the crowds of people watching the couple wed. She burst out the church doors. The groom turned and chased her out of the building, all the time screaming "I didn't mean it."
Disaster had struck a few moments earlier when the priest had said "Do you Doris take Joe to be your husband." The groom went into shock and said "Your names not Doris, it's Sara. Isn't it?" Sara was the name of Joe's beautiful young secretary.
Doris went all red and slapped Joe across the face. Joe was again shocked and when he looked towards the crowd he had a red hand print plastered across his face. The mother of the bride, who was a short chubby women, had fainted when she heard Joe say Sara's name.
He poor husband had to catch her. The sudden burden made him stubble back and topple over the chairs and fall into the row of relatives behind. When Joe asked was Doris's name Sara, the bridesmaids giggled. When they saw Doris hit Joe they stopped giggling and started to blush with embarass ment.
As Joe ran out of the building, the tall well built man, who was the best man followed at a good pace. The mother of the groom was just as shocked as the mother of the bride and also fainted. She was a tall thin woman and toppled over onto the ground. Her husband was not there to catch her, for he had run after the best man. The father of the groom knew something that nobody else knew. He knew that Doris has been seeing the best man. He had seen them kissing outside the church that very day.
The crowd watched in shock as the bride ran out of the building, occasionally stumbling on her long white wedding dress, followed by a groom with a hand print on his face, who was being chased by a well built best man, followed by a tall thin father of the groom. To top things all off Aut Yettel had a heart attack right there in the church.
A month later Doris married Frank, the best man. They had a wonderful outdoor wedding. Around the same time Aunt Yettel's funeral was held. The week before Doris & Frank wed Joe & Sara also had a wonderful wedding. After they left the church during Doris & Joe's wedding Joe's fathter gave Frank a black eye.
Frank retaliated by breaking his nose and sending him to hospital. Joe's father recently recovered & decided not to press charges. Doris' father got miner bruising from falling over the chairs & his wife was perfectly fine, as his the mother of the groom.
15/20
Yeah, that's right. I got 15 out of 20 for that assignment - TAKE THAT ENGLISH LANGUAGE PETER JONES WINS AGAIN!
Now, let's take a deeper look at the story that if it had title would probably be called 'The Wedding'.
"That's it! The wedding's off!" The bride cried as she ran from the alter,
Holy crap. She's calling the wedding off whilst the wedding is taking place. Man, she just ran from the alter.
down the aisle,
Oh, and down the aisle...
past the crowds of people watching the couple wed.
Oh, and past the crowds of people watching... It aint exactly "It was the best of times, it was the worst of times." But it's up there in the best opening line competition.
She burst out the church doors. The groom turned and chased her out of the building, all the time screaming "I didn't mean it."
He chased her from the alter... down the aisle... past the crowds of people watching the couple wed...
Disaster had struck a few moments earlier
WHEN A HURRICANE HIT?!?
when the priest had said "Do you Doris take Joe to be your husband."
Doris? Joe? Wow, so it was an old people wedding? I see Joe recovered from the time a bear killed all his camping buddies. He grew up and married an elderly woman named Doris.
The groom went into shock and
Lay on the ground?? Lay on the ground??
said "Your names not Doris, it's Sara. Isn't it?"
Wow. Just like on Friends... only you know, more weird. "Do you take Doris?" "That's not Doris. That's Sara. DURR I'm retarded."
Sara was the name of Joe's beautiful young secretary.
Of course it was. Man, this story is already steeped in such realism it can only take a turn for the EVEN MORE REALISM.
Doris went all red and slapped Joe across the face. Joe was again shocked
Joe spends his life being shocked, or chased by bears, or dashing at trees...
and when he looked towards the crowd he had a red hand print plastered across his face.
JUST LIKE IN CARTOONS
The mother of the bride, who was a short chubby women, had fainted when she heard Joe say Sara's name.
I'm sure I meant 'woman' rather than 'women', but who knows maybe the father of the bride was Bill Paxton from Big Love.
She was fainting all the time though whenever she heard people say the wrong name. "And the winner of the best supporting actress oscar goes to... Maris Tomei."
CHUBBY SHORT WOMAN FAINTS.
He poor husband had to catch her.
They say 'write what you know'. Or in the case of this story 'write what you think would happen in a really bad sitcom'.
The sudden burden made him stubble back
THERE IT IS AGAIN! Not only do I love the word STUMBLE having used it in the three of the last four stories I've written but I love spelling it incorrectly. WHY DID NOBODY CORRECT ME EVER?!
and topple over the chairs and fall into the row of relatives behind.
There are hijinks galore in this little tale.
When Joe asked was Doris's name Sara, the bridesmaids giggled.
Yeah, cause that's what bridesmaids do. They giggle at shit. Bridesmaids are the real life equivilant of 'hehe'.
When they saw Doris hit Joe they stopped giggling and started to blush with embarass ment.
I don't know why I thought embarass and ment were two words, but I also believed that grown women would giggle when the fiance of their best friend said the wrong name at her wedding.
As Joe ran out of the building, the tall well built man, who was the best man followed at a good pace.
Well of course it was a good pace, he's a tall well built man. A tall well built man wouldn't follow at a slow pace. He'd follow at a good pace.
The mother of the groom was just as shocked as the mother of the bride and also fainted.
It's not that shocking. It's kind of 'oh shit, you idiot' bad. But it's not "OH MY GOD I HAVE FAINTED" bad.
She was a tall thin woman and toppled over onto the ground. Her husband was not there to catch her, for he had run after the best man.
Okay, so that's pretty funny.
The father of the groom knew something that nobody else knew.
That the mother of the bride must be at least 112 to have a daughter named Doris?
He knew that Doris has been seeing the best man. He had seen them kissing outside the church that very day.
Outside the church? Real subtle guys. I'm surprised the father of the groom was the only one to see you MAKING OUT... OUTSIDE THE CHURCH... EARLIER IN THE DAY. So the Bride, who was probably off somewhere getting ready to arrive by car with her bridesmaids managed to get away for a little while to meet the best man outside the church for some pashing? And who else happened to be there - father of the groom, who wanted his son to marry a lady who was cheating on her. Geniuses. All of them.
The crowd watched in shock as the bride ran out of the building, occasionally stumbling
I SPELT IT RIGHT!!!!!!
on her long white wedding dress, followed by a groom with a hand print on his face, who was being chased by a well built best man, followed by a tall thin father of the groom. To top things all off Aut Yettel had a heart attack right there in the church.
Aunt Yettel? Yettel? Oi ve.
A month later Doris married Frank, the best man.
What happened when they ran outside? Did everybody come to a compromise? "Hey, look, I said Sara, you pashed my best man who's name happens to be Frank cause he's 62, why don't you two get married, you're about the same age."
They had a wonderful outdoor wedding.
Yeah, I bet it was delightful. I wonder if anybody stubbled over anything.
Around the same time Aunt Yettel's funeral was held.
Obviously it was Joe's Aunt Yettel, or else Doris was being very fair - having a wedding around the time they bury her Aunt.
Also, it took a month for Yettel to get buried? What were they doing with her? Prancing around with her Weekend At Bernies style?
Also, a character died for no reason. I knew this was a story of mine.
The week before Doris & Frank wed Joe & Sara also had a wonderful wedding.
So Joe & Sara get married before they even bury Aunt Yettel? Maybe Yettel didn't die from the heart attack and was just hanging around the hospital for a couple of weeks before the proverbial bucket was proverbially kicked.
After they left the church during Doris & Joe's wedding Joe's fathter gave Frank a black eye.
What? Is this a flashback? Is this an afterthought? Is this me going 'oh you know what would have been good if the unnamed father of the groom had black eyed Franks face, let's just add that in there now.'
Frank retaliated by breaking his nose and sending him to hospital.
That's how Frank rolls. Cause you see, he's a tall well built gentleman.
Joe's father recently recovered & decided not to press charges.
He's only recently recovered?? And he doesn't want to press charges?? I'm surprised he's not being buried alongside Aunt Yettel.
Doris' father got miner bruising from falling over the chairs & his wife was perfectly fine, as his the mother of the groom.
Well, that's one way to end the story... another way would be to include some sort of ending, rather than just random notes about how the mother of the groom turned out A-ok.
And that's the story of how I did better than everybody else in my year 9 class, because let's face it - they were extra retarded, and my teacher was extralient on me because of her love of scenes involving old ladies named Yettel having heart attacks.
Either I was a) retarded, b) really lazy, or c) really lazy and retarded.
Otherwise they can't understand how a fourteen year old with an addiction to verbs didn't understand how to construct a story which didn't involve police officers, and the brutal death of a main character.
Yes, well, I'm here to address that with my Creative Writing Test. In Year 9, there were three parts to the English exam. Part C was creative writing. They gave us a selection of 6 "options" we could write about. They ranged from sentences, or pictures, or the first line of a story, etc.
They were:
1) 'That's it! The wedding's off!'
2) [A picture of a crazy looking man being dragged down a hall by two men in sunglasses and suits.]
3) 'The night Joe Stewart died I was walking alone through the streets of Daytonville'
4) "It may not be as long as we think", replied X. "At any moment Lox could beam us and tell us to come home."
5) [A BC comic... for some reason... with the line:] "The trouble with people today is they don't listen to other people." [ALWAYS HILARIOUS BC. ALWAYS. HILARIOUS.]
6) Several centuries ago, in a country whose name doesn't matter, there was a tall, skinny, straggly-bearded old wizard named Prospero.
Now, with my love of murder you'd think I'd pick the Joe Stewart dying scenario, or my love of police men might lead me to the crazy guy being dragged away by the feds, or I might even use the crazy old wizard and make him murder police officers.
So that's obviously why I chose '1) That's it! The wedding's off!'
...
What follows is the complete story, after the story I will go line by line and make fun of myself.
"That's it! The wedding's off!" The bride cried as she ran from the alter, down the aisle, past the crowds of people watching the couple wed. She burst out the church doors. The groom turned and chased her out of the building, all the time screaming "I didn't mean it."
Disaster had struck a few moments earlier when the priest had said "Do you Doris take Joe to be your husband." The groom went into shock and said "Your names not Doris, it's Sara. Isn't it?" Sara was the name of Joe's beautiful young secretary.
Doris went all red and slapped Joe across the face. Joe was again shocked and when he looked towards the crowd he had a red hand print plastered across his face. The mother of the bride, who was a short chubby women, had fainted when she heard Joe say Sara's name.
He poor husband had to catch her. The sudden burden made him stubble back and topple over the chairs and fall into the row of relatives behind. When Joe asked was Doris's name Sara, the bridesmaids giggled. When they saw Doris hit Joe they stopped giggling and started to blush with embarass ment.
As Joe ran out of the building, the tall well built man, who was the best man followed at a good pace. The mother of the groom was just as shocked as the mother of the bride and also fainted. She was a tall thin woman and toppled over onto the ground. Her husband was not there to catch her, for he had run after the best man. The father of the groom knew something that nobody else knew. He knew that Doris has been seeing the best man. He had seen them kissing outside the church that very day.
The crowd watched in shock as the bride ran out of the building, occasionally stumbling on her long white wedding dress, followed by a groom with a hand print on his face, who was being chased by a well built best man, followed by a tall thin father of the groom. To top things all off Aut Yettel had a heart attack right there in the church.
A month later Doris married Frank, the best man. They had a wonderful outdoor wedding. Around the same time Aunt Yettel's funeral was held. The week before Doris & Frank wed Joe & Sara also had a wonderful wedding. After they left the church during Doris & Joe's wedding Joe's fathter gave Frank a black eye.
Frank retaliated by breaking his nose and sending him to hospital. Joe's father recently recovered & decided not to press charges. Doris' father got miner bruising from falling over the chairs & his wife was perfectly fine, as his the mother of the groom.
15/20
Yeah, that's right. I got 15 out of 20 for that assignment - TAKE THAT ENGLISH LANGUAGE PETER JONES WINS AGAIN!
Now, let's take a deeper look at the story that if it had title would probably be called 'The Wedding'.
"That's it! The wedding's off!" The bride cried as she ran from the alter,
Holy crap. She's calling the wedding off whilst the wedding is taking place. Man, she just ran from the alter.
down the aisle,
Oh, and down the aisle...
past the crowds of people watching the couple wed.
Oh, and past the crowds of people watching... It aint exactly "It was the best of times, it was the worst of times." But it's up there in the best opening line competition.
She burst out the church doors. The groom turned and chased her out of the building, all the time screaming "I didn't mean it."
He chased her from the alter... down the aisle... past the crowds of people watching the couple wed...
Disaster had struck a few moments earlier
WHEN A HURRICANE HIT?!?
when the priest had said "Do you Doris take Joe to be your husband."
Doris? Joe? Wow, so it was an old people wedding? I see Joe recovered from the time a bear killed all his camping buddies. He grew up and married an elderly woman named Doris.
The groom went into shock and
Lay on the ground?? Lay on the ground??
said "Your names not Doris, it's Sara. Isn't it?"
Wow. Just like on Friends... only you know, more weird. "Do you take Doris?" "That's not Doris. That's Sara. DURR I'm retarded."
Sara was the name of Joe's beautiful young secretary.
Of course it was. Man, this story is already steeped in such realism it can only take a turn for the EVEN MORE REALISM.
Doris went all red and slapped Joe across the face. Joe was again shocked
Joe spends his life being shocked, or chased by bears, or dashing at trees...
and when he looked towards the crowd he had a red hand print plastered across his face.
JUST LIKE IN CARTOONS
The mother of the bride, who was a short chubby women, had fainted when she heard Joe say Sara's name.
I'm sure I meant 'woman' rather than 'women', but who knows maybe the father of the bride was Bill Paxton from Big Love.
She was fainting all the time though whenever she heard people say the wrong name. "And the winner of the best supporting actress oscar goes to... Maris Tomei."
CHUBBY SHORT WOMAN FAINTS.
He poor husband had to catch her.
They say 'write what you know'. Or in the case of this story 'write what you think would happen in a really bad sitcom'.
The sudden burden made him stubble back
THERE IT IS AGAIN! Not only do I love the word STUMBLE having used it in the three of the last four stories I've written but I love spelling it incorrectly. WHY DID NOBODY CORRECT ME EVER?!
and topple over the chairs and fall into the row of relatives behind.
There are hijinks galore in this little tale.
When Joe asked was Doris's name Sara, the bridesmaids giggled.
Yeah, cause that's what bridesmaids do. They giggle at shit. Bridesmaids are the real life equivilant of 'hehe'.
When they saw Doris hit Joe they stopped giggling and started to blush with embarass ment.
I don't know why I thought embarass and ment were two words, but I also believed that grown women would giggle when the fiance of their best friend said the wrong name at her wedding.
As Joe ran out of the building, the tall well built man, who was the best man followed at a good pace.
Well of course it was a good pace, he's a tall well built man. A tall well built man wouldn't follow at a slow pace. He'd follow at a good pace.
The mother of the groom was just as shocked as the mother of the bride and also fainted.
It's not that shocking. It's kind of 'oh shit, you idiot' bad. But it's not "OH MY GOD I HAVE FAINTED" bad.
She was a tall thin woman and toppled over onto the ground. Her husband was not there to catch her, for he had run after the best man.
Okay, so that's pretty funny.
The father of the groom knew something that nobody else knew.
That the mother of the bride must be at least 112 to have a daughter named Doris?
He knew that Doris has been seeing the best man. He had seen them kissing outside the church that very day.
Outside the church? Real subtle guys. I'm surprised the father of the groom was the only one to see you MAKING OUT... OUTSIDE THE CHURCH... EARLIER IN THE DAY. So the Bride, who was probably off somewhere getting ready to arrive by car with her bridesmaids managed to get away for a little while to meet the best man outside the church for some pashing? And who else happened to be there - father of the groom, who wanted his son to marry a lady who was cheating on her. Geniuses. All of them.
The crowd watched in shock as the bride ran out of the building, occasionally stumbling
I SPELT IT RIGHT!!!!!!
on her long white wedding dress, followed by a groom with a hand print on his face, who was being chased by a well built best man, followed by a tall thin father of the groom. To top things all off Aut Yettel had a heart attack right there in the church.
Aunt Yettel? Yettel? Oi ve.
A month later Doris married Frank, the best man.
What happened when they ran outside? Did everybody come to a compromise? "Hey, look, I said Sara, you pashed my best man who's name happens to be Frank cause he's 62, why don't you two get married, you're about the same age."
They had a wonderful outdoor wedding.
Yeah, I bet it was delightful. I wonder if anybody stubbled over anything.
Around the same time Aunt Yettel's funeral was held.
Obviously it was Joe's Aunt Yettel, or else Doris was being very fair - having a wedding around the time they bury her Aunt.
Also, it took a month for Yettel to get buried? What were they doing with her? Prancing around with her Weekend At Bernies style?
Also, a character died for no reason. I knew this was a story of mine.
The week before Doris & Frank wed Joe & Sara also had a wonderful wedding.
So Joe & Sara get married before they even bury Aunt Yettel? Maybe Yettel didn't die from the heart attack and was just hanging around the hospital for a couple of weeks before the proverbial bucket was proverbially kicked.
After they left the church during Doris & Joe's wedding Joe's fathter gave Frank a black eye.
What? Is this a flashback? Is this an afterthought? Is this me going 'oh you know what would have been good if the unnamed father of the groom had black eyed Franks face, let's just add that in there now.'
Frank retaliated by breaking his nose and sending him to hospital.
That's how Frank rolls. Cause you see, he's a tall well built gentleman.
Joe's father recently recovered & decided not to press charges.
He's only recently recovered?? And he doesn't want to press charges?? I'm surprised he's not being buried alongside Aunt Yettel.
Doris' father got miner bruising from falling over the chairs & his wife was perfectly fine, as his the mother of the groom.
Well, that's one way to end the story... another way would be to include some sort of ending, rather than just random notes about how the mother of the groom turned out A-ok.
And that's the story of how I did better than everybody else in my year 9 class, because let's face it - they were extra retarded, and my teacher was extralient on me because of her love of scenes involving old ladies named Yettel having heart attacks.
Monday, January 12, 2009
The Camping Trip
Continuing the tradition of me writing about myself, I present probably my finest story effort of year 9:
The Camping Trip (no date given)
Yeah, I was all up on titles. An Alien Encounter, The Dark Alley and now The Camping Trip. Wow, I wonder what those stories are about!?
First I'll post the story itself in case you want to read it uninterrupted and then I'll post the story interrupted with my thoughts on what's going on.
It was dark for an afternoon but the five boys were still going to find somewhere to camp. Joe was getting worried & wanted to stop but Barry insisted that they should keep going. It was almost pitch black when the came to the clearing. Barry told William & John to set up the tents when he & Frank went to look for firewood. Joe decided to help William & John. 30 mins later Barry came running back into the campsite screaming "It got Frank. It got Frank."
"What did Barry?" John asked. "What got Frank?"
"A BEAR!" When Barry said this a huge roar came from the bushes & a huge BEAR came out & attacked the camp. William stubbled backwards of a log & fell to the ground. John stood shocked in the middle of the campsite while Joe made a dash for the nearest tree. The Bear turned its head & went charging for Barry. Barry screamed but there was nothing he could do. The Bear attacked him & tore him apart while John screamed & ran towards the bushes the Bear came out of.
William layed on the ground shocked. Joe climbed the tree & hid himself. John searched in the bushes for a rock. He found one & *crossed out* [pegged] threw it at the bears head. The bear flinced & turned to face John. John gulped & bolted into the bushes, the Bear followed. William stood up & heard a blood curdling scream & growling. Joe was shocked & couldn't move from the tree he was in. William just ran back out of the forest & to the police station without stopping. Half an hour later, the police arrived with William & hunted for the bear. One of the police men helped Joe out of the tree. Joe walked with the policeman to his car. When he got to the car he heard gun shots & an animals scream. Joe was relieved but still was frightened as he got in the car. THE END
I like how it was called The Camping Trip and no actual camping took place.
It was dark for an afternoon but the five boys were still going to find somewhere to camp.
THE five boys. THE five boys. Like we already know who THE five boys are.
Joe was getting worried & wanted to stop but Barry insisted that they should keep going.
Joe? Barry? Well, it's a step up from George Michaels, but still there's a LOOONG way to go before I figure out how to name a character, you know, a real person's name.
It was almost pitch black when the came to the clearing.
Almost pitch black? Wow, that is one freaking dark afternoon.
Barry told William & John to set up the tents when he & Frank went to look for firewood.
Barry? William? John? Frank? Joe? WOW! JUST LIKE REAL KIDS NAMES!
Joe decided to help William & John.
Oh, is William & John one person?
30 mins later
30 mins. Look at me cutting corners while writing by hand. TXTMSGS ARE THE FUTURE.
Barry came running back into the campsite screaming "It got Frank. It got Frank."
Holy crap! DIALOGUE. Who would have thought that my first use of dialogue in these stories would be the memorable line "It got Frank. It got Frank."
"What did Barry?" John asked. "What got Frank?"
Nice questioning John, that'll get you the answers you're looking for!
"A BEAR!" When Barry said
Barry 'said'. Cause it read like he SCREAMED.
this a huge roar came from the bushes & a huge BEAR came out
I don't know why BEAR is capitalized like that, maybe it was a really big bear, or a bear that was yelling.
& attacked the camp.
Holy crap. The bear just comes in and BAM! BEAR ATTACKS CAMP!
William stubbled backwards of a log & fell to the ground.
Somebody should have circled the word 'stubbled' (cause I made the same error in An Alien Encounter) and written in red pen that I mean 'stuMbled' and not 'stubbled' as if William hadn't shaved for a couple of days.
John stood shocked in the middle of the campsite while Joe made a dash for the nearest tree.
I don't know which is stupider, John's plan of standing shocked, or Joe's plan of dashing at trees.
The Bear turned its head & went charging for Barry.
Why not John? He was standing shocked. Easy target. Joe got away because Bears can't stand tree dashing.
Barry screamed but there was nothing he could do.
... except scream.
The Bear attacked him & tore him apart
HOLY SHIT!
while John screamed & ran towards the bushes the Bear came out of.
John has no idea how to defeat a bear. First standing shocked. Now screaming and running at bushes. Everybody knows you should dash at trees.
William layed on the ground shocked.
Haha. I can just picture this kid lying down on the ground in shock. Like there's a bear attack. Barry has been torn to pieces, and William just has a bit of a lie down.
Joe climbed the tree & hid himself.
That took him a while. He dashed ages ago. It took him the time of BARRY BEING TORN APART for him to climb a tree.
John searched in the bushes for a rock.
John's a real freaking moron isn't he. Defeat a bear that can tear children apart with a rock? Yeah, great plan.
He found one & *crossed out* [pegged] threw it at the bears head.
This is probably my favorite crossed out word in any story I've ever written. You need further proof that I was fourteen when I wrote this story: I thought 'pegged' would be an appropriate replacement for 'threw'. I'm surprised nothing was chucked at some point.
The bear flinced & turned to face John.
TWO FOR FLINCHING.
John gulped & bolted into the bushes
Bolting into bushes? You're supposed to DASH AT TREES!
, the Bear followed.
Oh shit. DEAD CHILD ALERT COMING UP.
William stood up & heard
Everybody is doing a lot of & stuff. "John gulped & bolted." "The bear turned & faced." "William stood up & heard."
a blood curdling scream & growling.
"scream & growling." Probably the greatest combo word ever written.
Joe was shocked & couldn't move from the tree he was in.
Well, at least he didn't just lie down WILLIAM.
William just ran back out of the forest & to the police station without stopping.
There's the police we were waiting for! Main character = dead. Police = on their way. This = a Peter Jones story.
Half an hour later, the police arrived with William & hunted for the bear.
Yeah, cause that's what the cops do. Go bear hunting.
One of the police men helped Joe out of the tree.
If only William was still in shock, one of the police men could have helped him off the ground.
Joe walked with the policeman to his car. When he got to the car he heard gun shots & an animals scream.
Haha. Picture a bear screaming. Funniest thing ever.
Joe was relieved but still was frightened as he got in the car.
Wow. It got Frank. Barry was torn apart. John go to scream while being growled at. William went hunting. And Joe got in a car, whilst still being frightened. Yeah, way to be brave Joe, be scared once safely in a car. BARRY'S DEAD.
THE END
Well, for everybody but William & Joe anyway.
The Camping Trip (no date given)
Yeah, I was all up on titles. An Alien Encounter, The Dark Alley and now The Camping Trip. Wow, I wonder what those stories are about!?
First I'll post the story itself in case you want to read it uninterrupted and then I'll post the story interrupted with my thoughts on what's going on.
It was dark for an afternoon but the five boys were still going to find somewhere to camp. Joe was getting worried & wanted to stop but Barry insisted that they should keep going. It was almost pitch black when the came to the clearing. Barry told William & John to set up the tents when he & Frank went to look for firewood. Joe decided to help William & John. 30 mins later Barry came running back into the campsite screaming "It got Frank. It got Frank."
"What did Barry?" John asked. "What got Frank?"
"A BEAR!" When Barry said this a huge roar came from the bushes & a huge BEAR came out & attacked the camp. William stubbled backwards of a log & fell to the ground. John stood shocked in the middle of the campsite while Joe made a dash for the nearest tree. The Bear turned its head & went charging for Barry. Barry screamed but there was nothing he could do. The Bear attacked him & tore him apart while John screamed & ran towards the bushes the Bear came out of.
William layed on the ground shocked. Joe climbed the tree & hid himself. John searched in the bushes for a rock. He found one & *crossed out* [pegged] threw it at the bears head. The bear flinced & turned to face John. John gulped & bolted into the bushes, the Bear followed. William stood up & heard a blood curdling scream & growling. Joe was shocked & couldn't move from the tree he was in. William just ran back out of the forest & to the police station without stopping. Half an hour later, the police arrived with William & hunted for the bear. One of the police men helped Joe out of the tree. Joe walked with the policeman to his car. When he got to the car he heard gun shots & an animals scream. Joe was relieved but still was frightened as he got in the car. THE END
I like how it was called The Camping Trip and no actual camping took place.
It was dark for an afternoon but the five boys were still going to find somewhere to camp.
THE five boys. THE five boys. Like we already know who THE five boys are.
Joe was getting worried & wanted to stop but Barry insisted that they should keep going.
Joe? Barry? Well, it's a step up from George Michaels, but still there's a LOOONG way to go before I figure out how to name a character, you know, a real person's name.
It was almost pitch black when the came to the clearing.
Almost pitch black? Wow, that is one freaking dark afternoon.
Barry told William & John to set up the tents when he & Frank went to look for firewood.
Barry? William? John? Frank? Joe? WOW! JUST LIKE REAL KIDS NAMES!
Joe decided to help William & John.
Oh, is William & John one person?
30 mins later
30 mins. Look at me cutting corners while writing by hand. TXTMSGS ARE THE FUTURE.
Barry came running back into the campsite screaming "It got Frank. It got Frank."
Holy crap! DIALOGUE. Who would have thought that my first use of dialogue in these stories would be the memorable line "It got Frank. It got Frank."
"What did Barry?" John asked. "What got Frank?"
Nice questioning John, that'll get you the answers you're looking for!
"A BEAR!" When Barry said
Barry 'said'. Cause it read like he SCREAMED.
this a huge roar came from the bushes & a huge BEAR came out
I don't know why BEAR is capitalized like that, maybe it was a really big bear, or a bear that was yelling.
& attacked the camp.
Holy crap. The bear just comes in and BAM! BEAR ATTACKS CAMP!
William stubbled backwards of a log & fell to the ground.
Somebody should have circled the word 'stubbled' (cause I made the same error in An Alien Encounter) and written in red pen that I mean 'stuMbled' and not 'stubbled' as if William hadn't shaved for a couple of days.
John stood shocked in the middle of the campsite while Joe made a dash for the nearest tree.
I don't know which is stupider, John's plan of standing shocked, or Joe's plan of dashing at trees.
The Bear turned its head & went charging for Barry.
Why not John? He was standing shocked. Easy target. Joe got away because Bears can't stand tree dashing.
Barry screamed but there was nothing he could do.
... except scream.
The Bear attacked him & tore him apart
HOLY SHIT!
while John screamed & ran towards the bushes the Bear came out of.
John has no idea how to defeat a bear. First standing shocked. Now screaming and running at bushes. Everybody knows you should dash at trees.
William layed on the ground shocked.
Haha. I can just picture this kid lying down on the ground in shock. Like there's a bear attack. Barry has been torn to pieces, and William just has a bit of a lie down.
Joe climbed the tree & hid himself.
That took him a while. He dashed ages ago. It took him the time of BARRY BEING TORN APART for him to climb a tree.
John searched in the bushes for a rock.
John's a real freaking moron isn't he. Defeat a bear that can tear children apart with a rock? Yeah, great plan.
He found one & *crossed out* [pegged] threw it at the bears head.
This is probably my favorite crossed out word in any story I've ever written. You need further proof that I was fourteen when I wrote this story: I thought 'pegged' would be an appropriate replacement for 'threw'. I'm surprised nothing was chucked at some point.
The bear flinced & turned to face John.
TWO FOR FLINCHING.
John gulped & bolted into the bushes
Bolting into bushes? You're supposed to DASH AT TREES!
, the Bear followed.
Oh shit. DEAD CHILD ALERT COMING UP.
William stood up & heard
Everybody is doing a lot of & stuff. "John gulped & bolted." "The bear turned & faced." "William stood up & heard."
a blood curdling scream & growling.
"scream & growling." Probably the greatest combo word ever written.
Joe was shocked & couldn't move from the tree he was in.
Well, at least he didn't just lie down WILLIAM.
William just ran back out of the forest & to the police station without stopping.
There's the police we were waiting for! Main character = dead. Police = on their way. This = a Peter Jones story.
Half an hour later, the police arrived with William & hunted for the bear.
Yeah, cause that's what the cops do. Go bear hunting.
One of the police men helped Joe out of the tree.
If only William was still in shock, one of the police men could have helped him off the ground.
Joe walked with the policeman to his car. When he got to the car he heard gun shots & an animals scream.
Haha. Picture a bear screaming. Funniest thing ever.
Joe was relieved but still was frightened as he got in the car.
Wow. It got Frank. Barry was torn apart. John go to scream while being growled at. William went hunting. And Joe got in a car, whilst still being frightened. Yeah, way to be brave Joe, be scared once safely in a car. BARRY'S DEAD.
THE END
Well, for everybody but William & Joe anyway.
The Dark Alley
So continuing my ongoing exploration of my 'early works'. Here's a story I wrote in Year 9 entitled:
The Dark Alley 18.2.98
First the story, and then I'll do some HIGH-LARIOUS analysis.
One day George Michaels was walking home from his work in the city & decided to take a short cut through an alley between the grocers & an apartment building. George hadn't ever taken the chort cut before & he was seeing if it was quicker through the alley. He started walking down the alley when he saw a small kitten crawling between to trash cans. He walked over to it. He was about to pick it up when someone grabbed him from behind & thre him into a bag of rubbish on the other side of the alley. George opened his eyes & got up. He ran towards the man and hit him in the stomach. The man gasped and stepped backwards.
George saw the man grab something from his back pocket. All George could see was a glint of light off whatever it was in the mans hand. George guessed it was a knife & sprinted for the opposite end of the Alley. He ran down to the end of alley. Unfortunately for George it came to a dead end.
Looking for a way out he saw a length of pipe which he picked up to use as a weapon. When the man who was attacking appeared from the shadows there were two other men with him also carrying knifes. George swung the pipe wildly trying to hit something. The men weren't worried and ran at him, eyes gleaming. George didn't stand a chance but tried anyway.
Three days later 2 boys taking the short cut to the grocers jumped over the wall at the dead end of the alley & landed next to a body lying on the ground. The boys were scared so they jumped back over the wall and ran to call the police.
THE END
The best part was when it had four paragraphs.
One day George Michaels
George Michaels? Really? And it's called The Dark Alley, exactly what kind of story is this??
was walking home from his work in the city
'his work' in 'the city', wow it just drips of authenticity.
& decided to take a short cut through an alley between the grocers & an apartment building.
A grocers and an apartment building, just like I'd seen on television programs I'd watched, and not like I'd witnessed in real life, because what do I know about things.
George hadn't ever taken the short cut before & he was seeing if it was quicker through the alley.
"Hi, I'm George. I live in the city. I also work in the city at some unknown job. I am also really stupid as to just wander down alleys looking for short cuts. Apparently I haven't lived or worked in this city very long."
He started walking down the alley when he saw a small kitten crawling between to trash cans.
Oh I bet this becomes a sweet Disney film about a lovable kitten and a homosexual pop singer.
He walked over to it. He was about to pick it up when someone grabbed him from behind
AND SUNG HIM A SONG?!?
& thru him into a bag of rubbish
OH NO!! IT'S TAKEN A TURN!!
on the other side of the alley.
So there's some goon just hanging around in an alley waiting for somebody to be weird enough to pick up a stray kitten. And then when he does arrive the goon doesn't push him to the ground or anything, he grabs him and throws him to THE OTHER SIDE OF THE ALLEY and into a trash bag.
George opened his eyes & got up.
He suddenly realized he was on THE OTHER SIDE... of the alley.
He ran towards the man and hit him in the stomach.
Now George, if only you'd run towards the man and hit him in the face, or if you'd run away from the man and hit him with the dust of you running away from him.
The man gasped and stepped backwards.
He gasped? As in "OH MY! How could you hit me in the stomach like that?!"
George saw the man grab something from his back pocket.
His back pocket? Maybe it's his wallet? The man was probably grabbing his wallet.
All George could see was a glint of light off whatever it was in the mans hand.
Well... wallets don't glint.
George guessed it was a knife & sprinted for the opposite end of the Alley.
"Um, is it a lighter? No. Is it a comb? No? Not a shiny metal comb? No. I guess it's a knife then!"
He ran down to the end of alley. Unfortunately for George it came to a dead end.
Silly George, not running to the safety of the grocers...
Looking for a way out he saw a length of pipe
Well, he's not very good at this 'looking for a way out' business if when looking for exits he finds piping.
which he picked up to use as a weapon.
But George! You're looking for exits! LOOK! LOOK AT THE END OF THE ALLEY WHERE THERE'S A REALLY BIG OPENING AND IT GOES OUT ONTO THE MAIN ROAD! LOOK IN THAT DIRECTION!
When the man who was attacking
And he shall forever be known as The Man... Who Was Attacking.
appeared from the shadows there were two other men with him also carrying knifes.
Where were these guy's hiding? How dark were the shadows in this alley that George managed to enter, spot a kitten and not notice the three guys hanging around with gleaming knives.
George swung the pipe wildly trying to hit something.
Maybe if he'd swung the pipe more accurately and at somebody's head he would have been more successful.
The men weren't worried
Isn't that a massive burn on George? "I'm going to kill you with this pipe to the head!" "We're not worried."
and ran at him, eyes gleaming.
Are their eyes made of knife?
George didn't stand a chance but tried anyway.
You know you're in trouble when the narrator gives up on you.
Three days later 2 boys taking the short cut to the grocers
Yeah, cause that's what kids do all day - take short cuts to the grocery store. "Oh boy, we could pick up milk!"
jumped over the wall at the dead end of the alley & landed next to a body lying on the ground.
A body?? Who's body?? George?? The Man Who Was Attacking? Ol' Knife Eye??
The boys were scared so they jumped back over the wall and ran to call the police.
I'm going to make a prediction here. I predict that there's not one story I wrote in Year 9 that doesn't involve the main character dying or the police being called. Or in the combo case of The Dark Alley - BOTH.
THE END
Just in case you couldn't figure that out from the dead George Michaels.
The Dark Alley 18.2.98
First the story, and then I'll do some HIGH-LARIOUS analysis.
One day George Michaels was walking home from his work in the city & decided to take a short cut through an alley between the grocers & an apartment building. George hadn't ever taken the chort cut before & he was seeing if it was quicker through the alley. He started walking down the alley when he saw a small kitten crawling between to trash cans. He walked over to it. He was about to pick it up when someone grabbed him from behind & thre him into a bag of rubbish on the other side of the alley. George opened his eyes & got up. He ran towards the man and hit him in the stomach. The man gasped and stepped backwards.
George saw the man grab something from his back pocket. All George could see was a glint of light off whatever it was in the mans hand. George guessed it was a knife & sprinted for the opposite end of the Alley. He ran down to the end of alley. Unfortunately for George it came to a dead end.
Looking for a way out he saw a length of pipe which he picked up to use as a weapon. When the man who was attacking appeared from the shadows there were two other men with him also carrying knifes. George swung the pipe wildly trying to hit something. The men weren't worried and ran at him, eyes gleaming. George didn't stand a chance but tried anyway.
Three days later 2 boys taking the short cut to the grocers jumped over the wall at the dead end of the alley & landed next to a body lying on the ground. The boys were scared so they jumped back over the wall and ran to call the police.
THE END
The best part was when it had four paragraphs.
One day George Michaels
George Michaels? Really? And it's called The Dark Alley, exactly what kind of story is this??
was walking home from his work in the city
'his work' in 'the city', wow it just drips of authenticity.
& decided to take a short cut through an alley between the grocers & an apartment building.
A grocers and an apartment building, just like I'd seen on television programs I'd watched, and not like I'd witnessed in real life, because what do I know about things.
George hadn't ever taken the short cut before & he was seeing if it was quicker through the alley.
"Hi, I'm George. I live in the city. I also work in the city at some unknown job. I am also really stupid as to just wander down alleys looking for short cuts. Apparently I haven't lived or worked in this city very long."
He started walking down the alley when he saw a small kitten crawling between to trash cans.
Oh I bet this becomes a sweet Disney film about a lovable kitten and a homosexual pop singer.
He walked over to it. He was about to pick it up when someone grabbed him from behind
AND SUNG HIM A SONG?!?
& thru him into a bag of rubbish
OH NO!! IT'S TAKEN A TURN!!
on the other side of the alley.
So there's some goon just hanging around in an alley waiting for somebody to be weird enough to pick up a stray kitten. And then when he does arrive the goon doesn't push him to the ground or anything, he grabs him and throws him to THE OTHER SIDE OF THE ALLEY and into a trash bag.
George opened his eyes & got up.
He suddenly realized he was on THE OTHER SIDE... of the alley.
He ran towards the man and hit him in the stomach.
Now George, if only you'd run towards the man and hit him in the face, or if you'd run away from the man and hit him with the dust of you running away from him.
The man gasped and stepped backwards.
He gasped? As in "OH MY! How could you hit me in the stomach like that?!"
George saw the man grab something from his back pocket.
His back pocket? Maybe it's his wallet? The man was probably grabbing his wallet.
All George could see was a glint of light off whatever it was in the mans hand.
Well... wallets don't glint.
George guessed it was a knife & sprinted for the opposite end of the Alley.
"Um, is it a lighter? No. Is it a comb? No? Not a shiny metal comb? No. I guess it's a knife then!"
He ran down to the end of alley. Unfortunately for George it came to a dead end.
Silly George, not running to the safety of the grocers...
Looking for a way out he saw a length of pipe
Well, he's not very good at this 'looking for a way out' business if when looking for exits he finds piping.
which he picked up to use as a weapon.
But George! You're looking for exits! LOOK! LOOK AT THE END OF THE ALLEY WHERE THERE'S A REALLY BIG OPENING AND IT GOES OUT ONTO THE MAIN ROAD! LOOK IN THAT DIRECTION!
When the man who was attacking
And he shall forever be known as The Man... Who Was Attacking.
appeared from the shadows there were two other men with him also carrying knifes.
Where were these guy's hiding? How dark were the shadows in this alley that George managed to enter, spot a kitten and not notice the three guys hanging around with gleaming knives.
George swung the pipe wildly trying to hit something.
Maybe if he'd swung the pipe more accurately and at somebody's head he would have been more successful.
The men weren't worried
Isn't that a massive burn on George? "I'm going to kill you with this pipe to the head!" "We're not worried."
and ran at him, eyes gleaming.
Are their eyes made of knife?
George didn't stand a chance but tried anyway.
You know you're in trouble when the narrator gives up on you.
Three days later 2 boys taking the short cut to the grocers
Yeah, cause that's what kids do all day - take short cuts to the grocery store. "Oh boy, we could pick up milk!"
jumped over the wall at the dead end of the alley & landed next to a body lying on the ground.
A body?? Who's body?? George?? The Man Who Was Attacking? Ol' Knife Eye??
The boys were scared so they jumped back over the wall and ran to call the police.
I'm going to make a prediction here. I predict that there's not one story I wrote in Year 9 that doesn't involve the main character dying or the police being called. Or in the combo case of The Dark Alley - BOTH.
THE END
Just in case you couldn't figure that out from the dead George Michaels.
Sunday, January 11, 2009
These Are The Things That Irritate Him
I was going to start this with 'a friend of mine once wrote', but it wasn't a friend of mine, it was a guy I knew from work. On his MySpace page one time he wrote a list of 'things that irritate me'.
It was actually entitled 'These are the things that irriate me' so I'm just assuming it's 'irritate', it might be 'irrigate' so you know, if this list of things seems more like 'things that irrigate somebody' well then that's what he meant.
Here's the list.
"Blarrrg."
"YOU JUST MADE THE LIST SIR."
"Sure."
NEXT DAY
"Sorry, I couldn't do that for you because I had to go to the hospital to have my foot removed."
"Fuck you."
Sometimes there's no response. There's just you looking at the list and going 'what the fuck is wrong with that guy?'
Oh by the way I got some money the other day and I really wanted to give it to you. Cause that's what I do. BLESS YOU. Oh, sorry too loud. Excuse me I have to go move my car, I left it at the pump and instead of just purchasing that pollywaffle I have to go move it and then come back inside cause I don't want the guy waiting behind me to go on MySpace and write a list of things that bug him and include me on it; what with my preference for brown sugar and everything.
It was actually entitled 'These are the things that irriate me' so I'm just assuming it's 'irritate', it might be 'irrigate' so you know, if this list of things seems more like 'things that irrigate somebody' well then that's what he meant.
Here's the list.
- People that appear to be clever though upon investigate aren't at all
"Blarrrg."
"YOU JUST MADE THE LIST SIR."
- The people that look like they are working - cause they really aren't
- The people who look like they aren't working - cause they really aren't
- The people that say they will do something but don't - be it they are too busy or lazyness
"Sure."
NEXT DAY
"Sorry, I couldn't do that for you because I had to go to the hospital to have my foot removed."
"Fuck you."
- Heavy people that go to all you can eat places and think if they put less on their plate they won't eat as much - they eat more cause they lose track of how many little plates they have consumed and because they are eating all little plates that are having more unhealthy foods.
- This is a huggggggggge one; people that don't say thanks you
- People that when you are walking they don't move and expect you to move
- People that put fuel in their car, leave their car at the bowser and then take them time purchasing crap (chips, etc) - hellllo? Im waiting.
- People that clearly stink in the gym and are sweating everywhere - wheres your towl... and why are you sweating so much? ... get some sweat bands or some deodorant... or better yet take it easy if your sweating that much you obviously that unfit you shouldn't be pushing so hard.
- People that talk other languages when you are in line somewhere or in an elevator
- Fringes - you know the kind
- People that expect you to pay for things
- Girls that want attention
- Blokes that go to the gym and sit down on a machine for 10 minutes not even lifting anything and when they do 1 rep and take another extended break.
- People that fill their bottle of water up at the gym whilst you are waiting for a mouthful of water... mate it's the same as being in the line of the supermarket and you having 50 items and the person behind you purchasing a tooth brush... just let them go first.
- People that are clearly giants.. have a big head.. big hair and can sit anywhere they want in the cinema though opt for sitting in front of you... mate give me a break.
- People that think they own the seat that they are assigned in the movie... theres another 200 seats buddy, they all look the same.
- People that don't say bless you
- People that make sure they say thank you before anyone else
- People that say bless you and say it so loud that you know they want other people to feel bad that they didn't say it.
- Crap poker players that get lucky - don't worry the odds say that your luck will have diminishing returns
- People that bite their nails and chew on them.
- People that stay in the turning lane.. the arrow is green though they are going straight.
- People that cut you off.. they get the green light and you get the red
- People that msg you to say "sorry I missed your call" - need I say more?
- People that think brown sugar is better than white (it isn't.. its just brown cause they add syrup
- People that think if they put 1 dead battery in a remote with 1 good battery the good battery will bare the load and it will still work
- People that don't talk to you on a train cause they think there is a rule that strangers shouldn't talk
- People that drive whilst talking on the phone when there are other people in the car
- Parking Police that fine you when you have a ticket for 6:28 and the park is free after 6:30 - One word: karma
- People that turn off the heating in pools (at apartment blocks) at 8 when it closes at 10 - sure its cold at 10... but it should be warm until 10
- People that go to krispy cream donuts and purchase a box for themselves
- People that have money though don't share it with their friends
Sometimes there's no response. There's just you looking at the list and going 'what the fuck is wrong with that guy?'
Oh by the way I got some money the other day and I really wanted to give it to you. Cause that's what I do. BLESS YOU. Oh, sorry too loud. Excuse me I have to go move my car, I left it at the pump and instead of just purchasing that pollywaffle I have to go move it and then come back inside cause I don't want the guy waiting behind me to go on MySpace and write a list of things that bug him and include me on it; what with my preference for brown sugar and everything.
Thursday, January 8, 2009
Katy Perry kissed a girl and word is she liked it.
You know how every time you hear Katy Perry singing about how she kissed a girl, and you know, liked it there's always somebody who goes:
"She didn't really kiss a girl."
And then everybody is all
"Really? What a liar."
Or something like that.
Yeah, well, I've just gotten word. Turns out The Decemberists, in their track 'The Mariner's Revenge Song' the song opens with them singing:
"We are two mariners, our ships sole survivors."
When it's a known fact that lead singer Colin Meloy is not a mariner at all, but instead simply the lead singer of a folk rock band.
But that's not where the lies end in the song. Colin goes on to sing about how he ends up in the belly of a whale with man who he seeks to kill, and then he kills the guy.
Okay, well word on the blogosphere is that this is all lies. Some kind of fabricated "story" made up by Colin & the crew.
And if you think that made me mad wait until you find out about how on The Beatles track "I Want To Hold Your Hand" Paul & John didn't want to hold anybody's hand at all!
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